The Eighth Page

Turkey Rights

Tree-Hugging, Hippy Moron Protests for Turkey Rights Boxford, Illinois – In light of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, area resident and total communist jerk Tom Hollis has been pioneering the fight for Turkey Rights. “I don’t see how people could honor a national holiday that needlessly slaughters millions and millions of turkeys,” said the whiny, oversensitive waste of life. “Additionally, a lot of the practices they use to raise turkeys are absolutely despicable. They barely ever let them leave their cages, and when they do, it’s only so that they can beat them and laugh at the funny way they walk.” Entirely believably, no one except fellow morons and people with nothing better to do have sympathy for Hollis’ crusade. Hollis’ mother, Cindy, had this to say about her complete loser and pansy of a son: “I used to love him, but now that he talks about turkey rights all the time, I’m not so sure. Also, he wears pleated pants and smells like cabbage a lot of the time. Sometimes I wish I believed in contraception.” Hollis, whose own mother doesn’t love him, will continue to stick with his beliefs regardless of the entirely legitimate criticisms of his efforts. “I’m just happy that I’m doing the right thing,” said Hollis. Good for you Tom, at least you have friends. Man’s Whole View of Thanksgiving “Totally Shattered” by Son’s American History Textbook Fullington, Virginia – Area man Rich Gullard has recently been “totally blown away” by his son’s eighth-grade American History textbook. “You should have seen me when I was reading this thing,” said Gullard last Wednesday afternoon. “I thought my jaw was gonna’ drop through the floor.” Despite his previous beliefs, Gullard was shocked to find that Christopher Columbus “actually wasn’t that good of a dude,” and that “he wasn’t even the one who made the first cut into the turkey dinner with the Indians.” Even more earth-shattering for Gullard was his discovery that Native American reservations “aren’t that good of a deal.” “The way I understood it,” said a dumfounded Gullard, “Indians gave the white man their land so that they could live in these totally sweet, lawless pockets of casino-madness. In actuality, they just got totally screwed.” Gullard’s son, Timmy, was less than shocked by his father’s surprise. “My dad’s a pretty big idiot,” said Timmy. “He thought that we won the Vietnam war, and he bet me 40 bucks that WWII ended in the 80’s.” Gullard, despite his recent discovery, will still celebrate Thanksgiving, explaining that despite their hardships, “that’s what the Indians would want him to do.” England Native Says “Thanks for Nothing” New York City – Henry Phillips, a native of England and student at NYU, has “nothing but contempt” for Thanksgiving and Americans in general. “Basically, I have no reason to give thanks,” said Phillips, whose great, great grandfather was killed in the Revolutionary War. “Every American makes such a big deal over killing a bunch of Indians and eating Turkey…I just don’t get it,” said Phillips, who generally splits his time between working in a photo lab and watching dark comedies. “People think that I don’t like the holiday just because I’m cynical, but that’s not true. I don’t like it because I hate everything about it.” Phillips, not willing to go home over NYU’s Thanksgiving break, will spend the holiday at his host family’s residence. “I hope he doesn’t act line a pain in the ass,” said Marcy Shaw, Phillip’s host mother. “Last year he tried to get me to serve him roast beef instead of turkey, just to be controversial. I told him that my house wasn’t a Holiday Inn.”