The Eighth Page

Tingley Holds Emergency Meeting to Announce Sweetness of Bow Tie

Head of School Tyler Tingley replaced last Wednesday’s scheduled lecture, How to Belittle Your Butler, with an emergency All-School Meeting topic change. The sound of air raid sirens – the signal of an emergency All-School Meeting – cut sharply through the frigid New Hampshire air as hordes of sullen, moping students scuffled, eyes downward, toward the meeting. Tingley – sitting on his golden throne high above the stage – seemed anxious as students filed in and took their seats. All seemed grateful for a temporary escape from the bitter cold. Once everyone had taken their seats, Tingley approached the podium hesitantly. “As you all know, this is an emergency All-School Meeting. Thus, there is indeed an emergency. Sorry, that sounded really stupid, awkward and repetitive. Anyway, this isn’t an entirely bad emergency. It’s not nearly as bad as the time Reynolds got his Polo belt caught in the toaster oven. That was a tragic day for the Exeter community, and we all hope that Reynolds’ hair grows back soon. But we’re not here to talk about that. No, we have another matter altogether to discuss. Well, students, I might as well come out and say it: the bow tie is totally sweet.” The chapel erupted at Tingley’s words. Dozens of long-oppressed bow tiers tore their “traditional” neckties off and spun them enthusiastically in the air. When the celebration died down, Tingley again began to speak. “Now, I know this news may come as a shock. As an institution, Exeter has long regarded the bow tie as fruity and feminine, but, as you all know, times are changing. Men are marrying each other, scientists are developing cures for cancer, vacation colonies are sprouting up all over the moon, and dogs can talk just like humans. It’s the darndest thing! They have conversations, just like you and me! Arf, I’m hungry! I want dog chow! Arf! I’m hungry for yummy dog chow in my tummy! Excuse me. That was inappropriate. Where was I? Oh yes. It is a changing world, boys and girls, and we must change with it. Thus, in these crazy times, the little, flimsy, fruity piece of cloth that is the bow tie has established itself alongside the traditional neck tie, corduroys, tweed blazer, and loafers as a mainstay in the closets of downtrodden, oppressed prep schoolers everywhere. And we like it.” Tingley then stepped down from the podium, returning to his throne to a standing ovation, and school president Bradley H. Huntington IV took the podium. “I totally agree with Mr. Tingley. The bow tie is most fashionable. In fact, I’ve always liked the bow tie-“ Huntington’s words were interrupted when a student cried out from the audience. “Liar! You have not always liked bow ties! Last week you said bow ties were lame!” Huntington objected, but to no avail. Students swarmed the stage, attacking the school president violently. When the chaos subsided, Huntington’s necktie was dragged out of the back door. A group of students attempted to bury it behind the gym, but the frozen ground was too difficult to break so they burned it in effigy. In the days since the emergency All-School Meeting, campus life has returned to normal. Students now walk unhappily from class to class in bow ties, and it almost seems as if the school president had not been attacked just days earlier. Some have still yet to decide whether the bow tie will have a positive or negative effect on Exeter, but one thing is certain: they are really fruity, and no Andover kid would ever wear one, and they’ll sure as hell never have to.