This article was supposed to run a week ago in our farce Exonian, but was cut because of a lack of space. It’s back this week because we didn’t get enough articles. So, um, pretend you are the person you were a week ago and are reading a fake Exonian newspaper from the perspective of Exeter students. KAZAM!!! Phillips Eggseder Academy students are fortunate enough to have had former alumnus Peter Coors come and speek at the assembly this past Tuesday. Mr. Coors, or Petey Pablo as I like to refer to him, is the CEO (chief energy officer?) of the Coors Bear Company. For those of you who did not attend the Drink Off with Pete so that he could show people what he does for his job, this means that he made alcohol for a job. For all you freshman, or “preps” as we call you here at this institushun, he is the man whose work makes the commercials with the twins. I love them. Petey Pablo Coors was introduced by our principal Tyler Tingly. The Tiingster got up on that stage and says to us that “Mr. Coors is a fine example of what you students should go on to do with your lives” he said. Without waiting long enough for our parentals to wire us more money, the Tingster introduced the Silver Bullet himself, Peter Coors. Mr. Coors ran onto the stage with a smile that I hadn’t seen since I got my acceptance letter to Eggseder a week after I got denyed by Andover. Que Bueno. Petey got on the stage and started moving his lips with the added noises (my cool way of saying talking.) “I am here he said” to “tell you that I am a motivation for all of you. Like the majority of you, I was never very smart…or talented. Nor did I try hard my Freshman year, or my Sophomore year, or my Junior year, or my Senior year, or any year in my life after that now that I think about it. But I graduated from Cornell Universty and did some stuff after that that I don’t really remember and now I have more millions of dollars then most people does. The bottom line is that my dad was rich and had a big name and brought bear for my interview person. If there was hope for me, then there’s hope for almost all of you.” To this the entire body of the student (Weird expression. I always thought that everybody in the school had their own bodys) stood up and gave a big “HARUMPH, HARUMPH, HARUMPH.” To this Pete got water in his eyes. “For my six years at Eggseder I had sat right there in those seets and slept through assemblies until I heard that famous “’Harumph’” from this school. I always dreamted that one day I could come back here and get that same “’Harumph’”. You guys have finally given me what I’ve always wanted.” There is a gap in my memory the size of a fist in what he said after that because I fell aslept. It’s not because he’s not interesting. It’s because I stayed up late last night. I wasn’t talking on the Internet, because the Tingster shuts off our internet at 2300 PM. Instead I was watching season 2 of Sex and the City. Hey I gotta get my kicks somewhere at this school. When Chatwick awoke me up, Petey Pablo was talking about something else. “I still stand by what I said on the TV show ‘Meet the Press’ several weeks ago. North Dakota is an imminent threat to our security, and our country has to acknowledge itt. I urge you all to march down to Eggseder High and enlist as many kids who are not as privileged as you are into the army to fight the North Dakotans. I will lead all in an invasion through Mount Rushmore (which Google says is in South Dakota.)” A wave of patriotism swept over this school like the lawsuits our parents file to protest our bad grades at the end of each trimester. The county was in danger from the country of North Dakota and we were going to enlist under-privileged kids to fight. I’m finally starting to understand that term “civic duty” put on our history exam that nobody understands. The last time this school was so excited was when Lacoste made its new line of bright orange desines. Petey Pablo then ended his speech. “Ladies and gentlemen, 21 means 21…just kidding.” We all laughed so hard we felt our tummies ache. The TIngster (get it, TI like my favorite calculator) then got up and “said you all may drink now…I mean you are all now dismissed.” I luv Petey Pablo. He’s more like Peter Parker than Peter Coors, because hes my heroe.
