The Eighth Page

Dominican Thanksgiving

So we all know that while Thanksgiving break is soon to be upon us, it is similarly soon to be unupon us (i.e. over). With that in mind, some of you might be wondering what’s the point? Well, sir, the point is that you’re somewhere that isn’t classes, and that’s always a good thing. Even so, a lot of people have been asking me, “Gabe, what should I do over break this year since it’s so short and all?” Well my question to you is, why are you asking me? Oh I’m sorry, do I look like the Thanksgiving entertainment idea center? Because I’m not. However, as long as you’ve gotten me started you better bet I’m going to finish. Hey, sit yourself down, I’m talking here. The first thing you could do over Thanksgiving is to celebrate with Andres Bobadilla ’06 – Dominican style. Now I wouldn’t trust Andres to remember my name, but from what he’s led me to understand, celebrating Thanksgiving in the DR involves Speedo’s, poverty, and Béisbol. So really it’s like every day in the Dominican. If you want to celebrate Thanksgiving in a more concrete, slightly less homoerotic fashion, you can go out like a man and kill your own turkey. This sounds like a fantastic opportunity for some male bonding, but what most people don’t realize is that turkeys are actually huge and scary and they bite. Also, they’re trained in a deadly Japanese form of hand-to-hand combat. It doesn’t come up a lot in biology books but I think it has something to do with Darwinism… or something with -ism at the end. So you can’t walk around in a thong and you can’t kill your own turkey. What now? Some recommend Thanksgiving dinner the old fashioned way, with gravy and stuffing and cranberry sauce and stuff like that. I don’t, because that’s not what they pay me for. What they do pay me is 10 cents every time someone visits and refinances their mortgage. Now that you have a great new low rate on your house we can return to the topic at hand, that topic still being Thanksgiving unfortunately. Since you apparently don’t want to be a man about it, fine, my advice to you is this: just play a lot of Playstation the whole time. Think about it, this is a chance to add four or five years onto your dynasty in NCAA 2005 and finally turn Florida A&M into the recruiting power house you’ve always dreamed it to be. Plus, ladies love the calluses you get from when you’re thumbs start to bleed, because you can say you got them thumb wrestling an alligator. Just make sure you say alligator and not crocodile or no one will be impressed. Don’t ask me why, just do it. So this concludes the assorted thoughts I have on this years Thanksgiving break. Sure the advice in this article is few and far between, but there’s a pretty good reference to Andres somewhere in there, and I made at least 10 cents, if you don’t count the time I spent writing this as money – and I don’t, because I have a lot of time, but I still have to borrow quarters from Ryan McDougall ’05 to do my laundry.