The Eighth Page

Administration Takes Measures to Prevent Scholastic Defectors at E/A

Exeter, NH- Just days before the Andover/Exeter athletic contests, documents have been found detailing a large-scale operation by Exeter’s administration to stop Exeter students from defecting to Andover when they travel to Massachusetts for this year’s football game. According to the documents, all faculty members traveling with the students are being trained in order to better monitor student activities. “Next Saturday, most of our student body will be traveling to a school with no dress code, a beautiful town, and a smart, funny, and voraciously sexy student body. The urge to stay and mingle with the God-like Andover students will be irresistible. We must therefore take aggressive steps to prevent any embarrassment to Exeter by defection of Exeter students to Andover.” The plan includes the following components: Mind Controlling Drugs on Buses Dining services will provide snack food in the form or animal crackers laced with mind control agents on the buses traveling to Andover. These drugs, developed in secret in Exeter’s now second rate science center, will make students frightened of change, and therefore terrified of the thought of so much freedom at Andover. A recent test of the drugs was successful according to the manual. A random Exeter student was fed animal crackers and then asked why he did not choose the school where they trust you to dress how you want to and use the Internet after 11. “The subject became increasingly terrified during the description of Andover, and finally ran away, screaming incoherently about Harkness tables and the fact that IM is for ‘poopyheads who don’t study.’” The manual assured faculty that feeding students animal crackers on the bus would be easy because almost every Exeter student is delighted by the sight of brightly colored boxes and circus animals. Anyone not convinced by the packaging will be looking to drown their sorrows in food anyway. Undercover PEAPS Officers Phillips Exeter Academy Public Safety will wear uniforms similar to PAPS in order to catch Exeter students in the act of defection. The administration hopes their slightly dull students will not be able to tell the difference between the timid, fragile PEAPS officers and the steely, rugged PAPS personnel. Then when Exeter’s students approach the officers asking for asylum at Andover, PEAPS can reveal their rather embarrassing identities, and whisk the student away to their minivans for “reeducation.” Banning Study Material During Andover/Exeter Week The final component of the anti-defection plan for Andover/Exeter is the banning of all study aides intended to make you sound more intelligent. “The Exeter faculty has the distinct advantage in perusing would-be transfer students. In a crowd of Andover students, someone from Exeter will stick out due to their glaring lack of savvy and intelligence. Quite simply, all we need to do is look for the kids who sound like idiots. Those are the ones that have escaped.” The administration fears that in the week before Exeter, books such as Sounding Intelligent for Dummies and Teach Yourself Common Sense in 24 Hours might help Exeter students blend in with Andover students. Especially since few students have social lives, they could study extensively and build up enough suave to pass for an awkward weirdo at Andover. In addition to short term plans to prevent defection this weekend, the document suggests a more permanent system for “pupil detainment” at the school. The administration hopes that through extensive propaganda and brain washing, they can keep students at a “stricter, colder, and uglier” school while such freedom abounds just across the boarder. The plan suggests beginning an Exeter fan club, the “Griffin Party” on campus. New students would not be forced to join the club, but membership would be necessary in order to take classes, eat in the dining hall, live in a dorm, play sports, or run for student government. As members, students would take part in pro-Exeter activities eight times a week, and could only read Griffin club- approved books. Any one found talking or thinking about Andover would be “dealt with,” states the document. The club would also monitor articles in The Exonian for “anti-revolutionary” messages, in addition to any other communication with the outside world. The party would also have other miscellaneous duties, like seizing control of all member assets for the greater good and organizing dorms into self-sufficient communes. Despite the administration’s efforts, students who are down with the whole “I have personal freedom and responsibility and I am a cool person” thing are packing their bags for this weekend.