I was walking around campus the other day when I realized that we have less than a week until we leave for Thanksgiving break. But you wouldn’t know by walking around campus, since no one is in the Thanksgiving spirit. Where are the Pilgrim hats, the turkey costumes, and the …um…other stuff having to do with Thanksgiving? We need some serous spirit around campus, and we need it fast. So here is my emergency Get Super Psyched for Thanksgiving!!! plan. Blue Keys Who you gonna call when we need some propaganda sold? Blue Keys! They are the masters of spirit and look super cute in their skits, so they can definitely help with Thanksgiving. But they do school spirit. Can it really translate to Thanksgiving? The solution is maybe the most awful pun ever seen on the face of the Earth. You may want to take this one sitting down: turn the Blue Keys in to Tur-Keys!. We’ll loose the skirts, and get them all giant turkey suits to wear. And if Nathan Kellogg complains, we’ll get him a giant skirt to fit around his giant turkey suit. We know you have great legs Kellogg. Calm down, we’re not trying to make you put them away. Yes Kellogg, fine, you have stunning legs (this is getting weird, so lets move on.) Puritan Day You know, behind all the flashy media hype about Thanksgiving, there is some real history. Supposedly these Pilgrims came over here to escape all the sex, liquor, and leisure of England. They were tight asses of the finest caliber, and you’ve got to respect that. So this Friday, lets have Puritan day. We’ll all walk around feeling terrible about being alive, and work really hard and have absolutely no fun. In other news, that plan sucks. On second thought, lets have Those-Pilgrims-were-Stupid-Tight-Asses-Day, and go crazy. We’ll skip class and do everything we’re not supposed to do. Radical! You see, we’re recognizing our roots as Americans by completely disrespecting our ancestors. Thanksgiving history can really be interesting once you strip yourself of your dignity and sense of decency. Burning of the T Everyone wants to burn the A again, and we need to get excited for Thanksgiving. Maybe we can incorporate both of these into a new ritual, the burning of the Turkey. It will be like roast turkey for kids with ADD. It will symbolize the American tradition of roasting turkey and coming together as a family. And we get to light stuff on fire. Sweet!! My first thought when I tried to organize for the event was that there are these Wild Turkeys in the Sanctuary, and nobody has counted them so the won’t know if one is missing. But supposedly the kinds of people who didn’t like any form of recreation 300 years ago are alive today, only now they are making laws saying things like you can’t light live turkeys on fire. Stupid Pilgrims. Turkey vs. Gunga: DEATHMATCH So maybe our plans so far have disrespected turkeys a little. And maybe it would be really cool to have a fight to the death on campus. So as the capstone event in the Thanksgiving spirit fest will be a Deathmatch between Gunga and a genetically modified super-turkey. We could build a cage on the great lawn and just throw them both in. It would be like gladiator, only better. Because Gladiator wasn’t really funny, but a turkey fighting a gorilla, now that’s hilarious. And really, that is the ultimate message of Thanksgiving, that we can come together as a community and kill turkeys when not all that many people even like to eat them. And we can give thanks that we go to a school that can buy the chainlink fence for a deathmatch, or the giant turkey suits for Blue Keys. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
