The Eighth Page

Collegiate Correspondence

To begin my article this week, I would like to copy, word for word, a letter I received from a small, well respected, liberal arts college in the Rocky mountain zone. I swear on everything holy that this is actually what the letter said. It reads… Dear Nathan, Instead of the usual letter that successfully offends no one and bores everyone, we’ve got a quiz for you. It’s a little quiz that we developed scientifically to determine if (School Name) is right for you. So…check all the statements that apply: º You mapped out a tour of Tibetan temples and nature preserves on the inside of your locker º You are interested in determining the molecular structure of Silly Putty º You read Paradise Lost and did a dramatic re-enactment with your cat º You wrote a critique of Heidegger and modern appliances and sent it to the Maytag Man º You managed to explain Cold War policy to your friend using only doughnuts and golf tees It goes on for a while, but you get the gist of the letter. I wish I was making this up. When I read this letter, I was so tempted to send the admission officer a reply, telling him he could have gotten the message across a lot quicker by just writing, “Are you a HUGE d-bag? Because our school is chock full of them and we think you’d LOVE it here.” These letters are constant form of harassment that all Andover students must deal with starting Upper year. It is funny how exciting they seem at first- a college wrote me! Colleges are interested in me because all of my unique and individual talents! These aren’t just mass mailing lists that go out to any student in a certain SAT bracket! They want ME!! It’s after the 30000th letter you receive that you begin to start to wonder; maybe I’m not so special after all… OK, I just sort of came to the realization that although this topic seemed brilliant in my head, it does not translate very well to a good enough and long (emphasis on long) enough article. So…I will now do what I always do when I am struggling to finish an article. That’s right folks- it’s poem time. COLLEGE I always thought college was a scary place Where frat houses loom in the sky The kids have full facial hair And you miss your mom ‘til you cry But then I learned of the wonders of college Where you learn and live and grow And girls fall from the heavens And some you may even get to know (giggity) And though the Admission process may be stupid And it’s probably ruining your life Rest assured that once you are accepted You can go to school 50,000 miles away and never have to listen to your parents moan about your essay again So go off to college and enjoy it Cause life is short and sweet And if you die a horrible death I hope you bring a grill and some food to eat