The Eighth Page

Wherefore art thou Murdock

I love Shakespeare. From his tragedies to his beautiful sonnets, if it has something to do with old man Bill Shakespeare, chances are I’ve read it (unlikely), seen it in a movie (more likely,) or eaten a small bit of the paper it was written on (very likely.) Sometimes my love of Shakespeare is even a bit perplexing to me, so recently I decided to find out exactly why I am so fond of the world’s most famous playwright. The best way to get information is to ask someone, and that’s exactly what I did. Not quite knowing where to start, I wrote a letter to the man who has provided me with guidance throughout my life… Dear Mr. T, Remember the episode of “The A-Team” when Murdock went on “Wheel of Fortune” and Pat Sajak guest starred? That was pretty awesome, but what was the deal with that episode where the A-Team got beat up by a bunch of old people from the retirement home – I didn’t like that, but I digress. The reason I’m writing you this week is to find out why I like Shakespeare so much. I know that you have a Shakespeare foundation, or at least I think I had a dream where you opened a Shakespeare foundation and then some bad guys try to blow up your van, and you just aren’t having it, and you’re all like “I pity the foo who tries to ruin Mr. T’s black tie reception for his new Shakespeare foundation,” and major pitying ensues. Either way, get back to me on the Shakespeare thing. – Sincerely, Mike Piazza I signed it Mike Piazza to keep away government agents – one can never be too careful. For whatever reason, Mr. T didn’t write back, so I went to the world’s most reliable source – the Internet! It would be just my luck that as soon as I started surfing, an ad popped up offering to trace my family tree! Understandably, I was intrigued and investigated further into this genealogy offer. Five hours later that website had 450 of my dollars, plus my power of attorney, but I had the information I sought. Despite the fact that I have not a drop of English blood in me, the website informed me that I am indeed a direct male-line descendant of one William Shakespeare – chomp on that Paris Hilton, you and your little rat dog! Of course, with such revelations come new privileges. For instance, in all my English classes, my teachers must henceforth refer to me as Sir. Also, I get to teach the class—I’m Shakespeare damnit! Also, I hereby decree that Shakespeare’s classic texts shall no longer be taught in the classroom. Any reading or analytical papers shall herein focus on “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.” More advanced courses can begin work on the much scarier “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.” Anyone needing help on his or her Shakespeare related work can come talk to me, and I’ll be sure to point you in the right direction. If your teacher doesn’t believe what I have told you, kindly remind them that I literally have Shakespeare in my blood, and then proceed to slap them, Rick James style. Speaking of Rick James, who remembers the episode of “The A-Team” when the gang gets put in prison, and then Rick James comes and plays a concert for the inmates, and while he’s singing the A-Team escapes to freedom? I know I sure do. I love Shakespeare. From his tragedies to his beautiful sonnets, if it has something to do with old man Bill Shakespeare, chances are I’ve read it (unlikely), seen it in a movie (more likely,) or eaten a small bit of the paper it was written on (very likely.) Sometimes my love of Shakespeare is even a bit perplexing to me, so recently I decided to find out exactly why I am so fond of the world’s most famous playwright. The best way to get information is to ask someone, and that’s exactly what I did. Not quite knowing where to start, I wrote a letter to the man who has provided me with guidance throughout my life… Dear Mr. T, Remember the episode of “The A-Team” when Murdock went on “Wheel of Fortune” and Pat Sajak guest starred? That was pretty awesome, but what was the deal with that episode where the A-Team got beat up by a bunch of old people from the retirement home – I didn’t like that, but I digress. The reason I’m writing you this week is to find out why I like Shakespeare so much. I know that you have a Shakespeare foundation, or at least I think I had a dream where you opened a Shakespeare foundation and then some bad guys try to blow up your van, and you just aren’t having it, and you’re all like “I pity the foo who tries to ruin Mr. T’s black tie reception for his new Shakespeare foundation,” and major pitying ensues. Either way, get back to me on the Shakespeare thing. – Sincerely, Mike Piazza I signed it Mike Piazza to keep away government agents – one can never be too careful. For whatever reason, Mr. T didn’t write back, so I went to the world’s most reliable source – the Internet! It would be just my luck that as soon as I started surfing, an ad popped up offering to trace my family tree! Understandably, I was intrigued and investigated further into this genealogy offer. Five hours later that website had 450 of my dollars, plus my power of attorney, but I had the information I sought. Despite the fact that I have not a drop of English blood in me, the website informed me that I am indeed a direct male-line descendant of one William Shakespeare – chomp on that Paris Hilton, you and your little rat dog! Of course, with such revelations come new privileges. For instance, in all my English classes, my teachers must henceforth refer to me as Sir. Also, I get to teach the class—I’m Shakespeare damnit! Also, I hereby decree that Shakespeare’s classic texts shall no longer be taught in the classroom. Any reading or analytical papers shall herein focus on “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.” More advanced courses can begin work on the much scarier “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.” Anyone needing help on his or her Shakespeare related work can come talk to me, and I’ll be sure to point you in the right direction. If your teacher doesn’t believe what I have told you, kindly remind them that I literally have Shakespeare in my blood, and then proceed to slap them, Rick James style. Speaking of Rick James, who remembers the episode of “The A-Team” when the gang gets put in prison, and then Rick James comes and plays a concert for the inmates, and while he’s singing the A-Team escapes to freedom? I know I sure do.