Each week for The Phillipian it is my humble duty to pick a theme for the left page of that week’s issue. I usually try to hone in on current events around campus (i.e. Features Takes Exams,) or the time of year (i.e. Features Does Spring,) etc. Some themes are better than others, and some are just downright terrible ideas. This week’s theme, to be perfectly honest, is a fantastic example of a terrible theme. Features Does Shakespeare? It sounds like a theme my mom would come up with. Oh well, I guess I’ll try my best. I have written a Shakespearean play that shows what it’s like to be a Features writer. Here it is. LIST OF CHARACTERS Duke Nathaniel (Played by yours truly) Antonio (Played by Anthony Green ’05) The Friar (Played by Christian Vareika ’05) Sir Gabriel the Mute (Played by Gabe Worgaftik ’06) Esther (Played by herself) Hamlet (Played by Kenneth Branagh) ACT 1, SCENE 1 In The Phillipian Room DUKE- Oh holla, Antonio. Thou bring’st the good Friar along with thee? ANTONIO- I have, good patron. And like the setting sun of May, he enter’st here with me. FRIAR- A plague on both your houses! DUKE- What? FRIAR- Sorry. I seem to have forgotten what was going on. But anyways, hello there kind Duke, what news dost thou carry for me on this pleasant eve of May? I pray thee, speak like the nimble fawn who graces the earth with his sodden hooves. DUKE- The truth is, good Friar and most esteemed Antonio, we have a Features section to build together, and only we three may be able to accomplish set task. It will take us many hours, and like God who built this earth in seven days, we have but three hours to put together this post for the kinfolk of this academy. ANTONIO- Methinks we should go to Ryley first. I crave Monkey Bread as Athena once craved the Ides of March…or something. FRIAR- Quick, we must move swiftly as the fox upon a sprung hare! Alas, my sweet Esther will be there, for she is the only one who can be my spring dove, as she holds my discourse in her hand like a craven butterfly. Make haste! ACT 1, SCENE 2 In the Ryley Room DUKE- I am off to find some sweet delectabilities—perhaps my good men Ben and Jerry will have a treat in store for me. (Exits) ANTONIO- I am going to eat an entire hog. (Exits) FRIAR- Alas, I am now alone with my sweet Esther. Her beauty radiates like the nuclear waste that is stored underneath the old hockey rink. I must make speech with her. ESTHER- Can I help you? FRIAR- Prithee, kind lady, may I speak with thee? Your sweet, sensuous voice makes my sinews tremble and my nerves like a swamp. Dost thou love me Esther, like I have loved thee? ESTHER- Try the monkey bread. It goes great with orange soda. FRIAR- Oh, you cunning vixen, always playing games with my heart. Well, I must be off to fight the great evils that are the head editors of the Phillipian. I leave my heart with thee. (Exits) ACT 2, SCENE 1. In the Phillipian room DUKE- I pray thee, how many articles do we have to grace the pages of the sweet Phillipian with this week? ANTONIO- I apologize kind sire, but the idea does not grace my befuddled mind. As you are well aware, I am about as useful to the Phillipian as a dead mole rat. I will now go massage the shoulders of Lady Gelb and eat food from the kind house of McDonald. I bid you adieu. (Exits) DUKE- Alas, it is you and me good Friar. Methinks you should do some work. FRIAR- Methinks you should kiss my (TELEPHONE RINGS) DUKE- (Answering the phone-) Alas, it is good Sir Gabriel the Mute! Hello, there Gabriel. SIR GABE- … DUKE- I know thou hates to talk to us like thou hates the devil himself, but please—is your article in? SIR GABE- … DUKE- I pray thee, if your article is done, just stay on the phone. If you are not going to write it, just hang up and leave me to my own devices. SIR GABE- (Click) FRIAR- Too bad, I guess The Phillipian will not run this week. I am off to swoon over my dear Esther. Good night to you, kind sir, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. (Exits) HAMLET- Get thee to a nunnery! THE END
