The Eighth Page

Stupider Like A Fox

Breaking free from this week’s theme, I will not write an article about being stupid. On the contrary, I will just write an incredibly stupid article. This will keep everyone happy, even Johnny Law, whom I sometimes like to call “Nate Scott ’05.” Johnny Law is always on my back, giving me such unreasonable orders as “Anthony, write your article,” and, “Anthony, please stop chewing on my leg.” Yeah, well, you’re not the boss of me. Who do you think you are, Bruce Willis? Disregarding smooth transitions, I really want to talk about something that’s been on my mind for years: the teleportation machine. Seriously, why hasn’t anybody invented one yet? If nothing gets done about this in a few years, I’m going to take the issue to the only man who can handle it: George Foreman. Anyone who can make a grill that allows college students to cook meat has to be reasonably smart, at least smart enough to make a teleportation machine. Just throw a kinetic defribulator into the Cront-Delaware magnetic sniffing device, and BOOM! I don’t have access to any of that though, so it’s up to the Big Man. [Anthony’s Note: At this point in writing my article, I went with Johnny Law to McDonald’s to buy over fifteen pounds of food for the greedy members of the Phillipian Board, and lost my momentum. Obviously, I will continue my article talking about college applications.] So I’ve sort of had this plan for applying to college since my freshman year. Assuming I get in anywhere early (not likely, my only prospects are Dave’s Book College in Colorado and Tommy’s Learning Palace in Florida,) I have a genius plan. I want to completely fudge a college application to somewhere TERRIBLE and see if I get in. A good example of a terrible college would be the University of Houston, which apparently has the lowest average high school G.P.A. of any college in the country. Here is an example of a few things I’m going to put on my application. Name: Anthony “Hoolio Estevez” Green High school G.P.A.: Rice and Pasta SAT Score: 100% What’s special about you?: I was the first person to think of bottling water for retail. Also, my father is Jesus Christ. Yeah, that’s right. THE Jesus Christ, the one with the long hair who was tight with God and stuff. What interests you about U-Houston?: One time I was watching that movie “Hope Floats” and I found this key under my couch. I bet it opens stuff. What type of community service have you done?: One time I helped this woman cross the street. But then I mugged her and ate her dog. It tasted like teriyaki sauce. I’d pretty much keep this going throughout the entire application. Also, I’d have to do something impressive for the interview. I think I might walk in wearing goggles, a turban and a long, silver cape and start sniffing the interviewer’s personal possessions. After all this, I wonder whether I’d still get accepted. The answer: no, but I’d still get the free T-shirt for applying. I sometimes wonder whether or not college students talk as much about jobs as Andover students talk about college. I really doubt it, since this is how the average Commons conversation goes: Me: Hey, can you pass the salt? Random Student: Salt, huh? That starts with an S. So does Stanford. I hear they recruit for water polo. Me: That’s great. I’m gonna’ go fight a tiger to the death. Random Student: Tiger, huh? Tigers are orange and black. So is Princeton. Me: If something terrible happens to you, I will not shed a tear. Alright, anyway, I think I’m pretty much finished with my article, so for the next few hours I’m going to go arm-wrestle Peter Nelson and lick McDonald’s wrappers. What’s that? This article had no coherence? Well at least I know how to spell laccrossse!