The Eighth Page

Sir Lance

If I were to ask you which section of The Phillipian has the smartest writers, you would say: “Why Sir Lance, the answer ‘tis Features, of course!” I can guarantee you would say that too, because if you didn’t I would have to smack you with an enormous ham. But how can we know that is really true? You might just be too afraid of the ham to tell me the awful truth – a gang of literal monkeys runs Features! That’s the truth, isn’t it? ISN’T IT!? Plus, the ham would have Sir Lance branded on the side with a wood burner, and you would be hit so hard with the ham that people would be like: “Why do you have the moniker of Old Sir Lance on your face?” and you would have no choice but to admit the truth, and of course they would cower in fear of my labeling ham. There are many questions to be answered this week, first and foremost, why am I referring to myself as Sir Lance? Because I want to, that’s why. Usually Features writers at least try to come up with reasons for crazy nicknames, but I wanted to take a nap instead. The second, more relevant, question is which section of Phillipian writers is the most intelligent section. To answer that question I decided to go straight to the source, but then I realized that going straight to the source would probably require me walking to the Phillipian Office in Morse, so instead I went straight to Andres Bobadilla ’06 for some reason. Our conversation went a little something like this… Andres – Hey Gabe, what’s up? Sir Lance – The name is Sir Lance. A – What? SL – My name. It’s Sir Lance now. A – Since when? SL – Since I saw Master and Commander, and I’m asking the questions here! A – What questions? SL – Hey don’t make me bust out the Ham! I’ll do it in a heartbeat! A – You’re just not making sense; now I’ve got stereotypes to reinforce, so leave my office! SL – …Yes sir. Andres knew something, but clearly it was going to take more than I was willing to do to get into the sweet juicy knowledge center of his tasty brain. Either way, it turns out that I wasn’t going to be able to ham-smack my way to the bottom of this mystery. Andres had proven to be a formidable foe with his cunning linguistic skills. For that I give him my utmost respect, and at the very least I shall consider sparing him from my ham-of-doom. As for the rest of you, the world may never know if the Features section is secretly written and operated by a group of simians, although this article is probably some sort of evidence. If it has done nothing else – which it hasn’t – the saving grace of this article is probably that it reintroduced us to our old friend Andres, and made me want to go buy some ham. Delicious.