The Eighth Page

Igor Dennis

To start out this week’s advice column, Igor would like to address a question to the student population as opposed to the other way around. Dear students, I, Igor, have encountered a problem in my life. It seems that although I have dedicated my life to entertaining all of you, my audience, it does not seem that my work is being appreciated. What must I do to get just a couple of questions out of you? Really, all I’m looking for is something simple, anything that would prevent me from having to corner people in dark hallways and force them to ask me something. So with that being said, I managed to receive a couple of questions that I will now answer. No thanks to you! (well except for those who did ask questions (but it’s not like you really went out of your way to ask them.)) Ciao! -Igor Dear Igor, Ok, so I’m this totally hot chick, and I’ve got a big problem. This guy who’s like totally obsessed with me is following me everywhere, and I’m like, “Yo guy, get out-o-my face!” and he’s still like, “Girl, you know I can’t, I love you.” So like I don’t know like what I’m going to do like about my problem. Like ya’know? -Kara Hollis ’07 Kara, Being voted most attractive second grader in my Sunday school class, I know how it feels to be stalked. So I’m going to give you the same advice the head of my Sunday school, Father John “The Baptist” O’Malley, gave me after he said, “Come into my office and…” Well, perhaps I shouldn’t tell you. This advice did not prove to be most helpful, however, so I’m going to give you some of my own. Something I learned in second grade is that little girls hate to be tased. So if you’re really having trouble with this lame guy following you around, you need to go buy a 50,000 volt taser and have at it! Igor says, happy hunting! -Igor Dear Igor, Hypothetical: You’re name is CC, and you’re the pet-sitter of Dennis Hopper’s marmot. If we, uhh I mean they, get divorced, do I still have to pay alimony? Or can we ditch the marmot with an orphanage? -Christopher Caldwell Donahue ’05 CC, If you knew me, you would know that I hate marmots. Like this one time, when this three-year-old marmot came over to me to ask for some ice cream, and I said, “no, you’re a young marmot. I don’t like you.” Personally, I’m surprised you would even wait until the divorce. I think you should pull an “Old Yeller” and take it out back and shoot it. Although, if you’re looking for a place to dump it, I suggest putting it under some bridge or large body of water, like a sink. But, whatever you do, avoid all confrontation on the subject. If someone says “there’s a dead marmot in your sink,” you say, “that’s not a sink, that’s a water basin.” -Igor Dear Igor, I have a very serious girlfriend of 16 hours, and we are in love. Deep, deep love. The problem is that I have no where to take her on our dates. I’ve already exhausted the dugout and college counseling, so what am I to do? -Elliot Beck ’05 Dear Elliot, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve already “exhausted” college counseling. However, although you may think that the Andover campus lacks the proper location to get with the “hibbidy bibbidy,” you’d be wrong. There are hundreds of sites and buildings that were erected to serve such a purpose. Let me outline some of my favorites for you. 1) Rabbit Pond. Between swamp men, toxic seaweed, and the secret bat cave, this is the perfect place to set the mood for you and your young lady friend. 2) Under the cherry tree between Sam Phil and Morse hall. What other monument has caused such uproar in the quiet serenity of the Andover community? Plus, it’s easy to use between classes! 3) Esther’s Lair This little known haven in the Ryley kitchen makes for lovely double cheeseburgers and even better lovin’. (If you have any problems and desperately need advice on how to solve them, contact Igor at, or at ext. 6448)