The Eighth Page

You Got Housed

My favorite time of year here on Academy Hill is when people start talking about housing. The dorm you live in is a major part of your life at Andover, and every year students have to make the tough decision of which dorms they will call home. Actually, they don’t make the decisions. The decisions are made for them in a process that is slightly more complicated than the United States tax code. Though the complex nature of the housing process is a comical one, my favorite part of the procedure is getting to talk to foolish freshmen who have no idea what’s about to happen to them. Here is a typical conversation that one might share with some poor junior who is ignorant to the horrible ways of the world— Me- So where are you looking to live next year? Junior- I dunno. I was hoping for Bartlet, but I might just go to Foxcroft y’know? The rooms are a little small, but I like the location. Me- (Stifled laughter…followed by slight giggle….followed by howling laughter that hurts my sides until I finally must roll on the ground from the pain while tears are streaming from my eyes and I am gasping for air and cramping because all of my laughter has caused me to run short on oxygen) Junior- What’s so funny? Me- (Wiping tears from my eyes) Oh, nothing. Good luck with that. Junior- Thanks a lot man I don’t have the heart to tell this poor young man that with all the luck in the world he could probably only end up in Fuess (pronounced FEEZ people, jeez), and that would be a good deal for him. I let him live his little dream, for I know it will soon be shattered by the cruel, heartbreaking practice simply known as the All-School Lottery. When I explain the All-School Lottery, I need to tell you that there is a reason that it is called a “lottery,” for it is very similar to the real lottery, in it that although you are fairly certain someone wins in this godforsaken thing, it is never you. You may have heard stories of people pulling a “seven” in the All-School, but these are just stories, because in the real All-School Lottery they actually start numbering the tiny slips of paper at 123, so the Andover Housing Organization (AHO) can just stick you in whatever dorm they please. One thing you should learn from this article is that AHO is always a tough thing to deal with, especially when it’s feisty. Too many times here at Andover I’ve seen AHO take the manhood away from some poor young boy…by sticking him in a less than desirable dorm… It is really a funny scene each year to see some poor saps go into the Dean of Students Office to pull their number out of the big box. Here’s an exchange that took place last year. Roommate #1: Ok here we go, hey batta hey batta, let’s do this. Alright, alright, alright. (Picks his number) …246. (Turning to his roommate) I am so sorry man. Roommate #2: It’s ok, bro, I got this! ALRIGHT ALL-SCHOOL, LET’S DANCE. (Jams his hand into the box, and rips a number into the air triumphantly. He pauses, then gazes at the small scrap of destiny) ….1,452??! But…what? There aren’t even 1,452 students in the entire school!! Dean of Students Secretary: Hahhahahahahahhahahahahahah. In closing, I must apologize for my gross over-exaggerations in the past few paragraphs. The housing process isn’t all that bad, and you should trust me, it will only get better as you grow older. I wish you all the best of luck in the process, and remember one thing: Don’t let AHO get you down.