The Eighth Page

Fabulous Fasions

The commencement of spring is, I feel, more easily recognizable than that of any other season. Walking around the picturesque, tree-lined pathways of Academy Hill, it is difficult not to feel the spring air infesting your soul like the Spirit of the embittered Ghost of Christmas Past, who is angry because spring is his slow season. Another reason for which it is easy to note the beginning of spring is its distinct smell: a delightful mix of blooming flowers and freshly-cut grass. For me, however, that smell has of late taken on another layer: the stifling stench of the rotting carcass of the squirrel that decided to die on the patch of roof directly above my open window. Squirrels these days, so inconsiderate! And they wonder why all the high-paying jobs are going to the chipmunks… Another, and perhaps more apparent sign of spring is, of course, fashion. Each year, on the first warm days of March or April, the newest, hottest fashions can be seen around campus on the bodies of PA’s fashion elite, and 2004 has been no different. I have highlighted certain clothing items that I think will be among the most popular and fashionable this spring. 1. The Tuna Fish Can Hat. For years, the homeless population has been sporting this attractive and economically-efficient accessory. Not only does the tuna can hat protect from harsh conditions like rain and snow, but the dried tuna remnants inside the can offer a tasty snack. In keeping with the recent fashion trend known as destitute chic, I foresee the tuna fish can hat becoming the most sought-after accessory of the spring season. I also foresee a fashion show highlighting this item whose model will be a 57-year-old homeless man named Otis. 2. The Cool Kids Belt. In the first union of its kind, the Bush Administration will join forces with the fashion industry to create a new-age chastity belt designed and updated for today’s world. The belt, which will be released only when a complex numerical code is entered into a keypad located above the crotch, will be available in several different models featuring flowers, smiley faces, and the faces of today’s hottest pop stars. “If I’m going to be physically prevented from engaging in premarital sex, I’m glad Jessica Simpson’s face will be featured on the device doing so,” said Anna Thompson, a 13-year-old girl whom I know from my days in the sweatshop business. The name of the item, the “Cool Kids Belt,” was chosen to instill a sense of peer pressure in teens to make the choice to don it. The belt’s advertisements feature the slogan, “All the cool kids aren’t doing it!” so it promises to be tremendously popular. 3. Male Breast Implants. While not technically a fashion item, I’ve decided to include this item anyway. Traditionally, breast implants have been popular strictly among women. However, I feel that this spring will be the time when men finally discover the beautiful magic that is the breast implant. No longer will men be oppressed and discriminated against because of their petite breasts – parity is near. The trend will be brought on by the emergence and ensuing world-wide fame and popularity of large-breasted Mexican pop singer Alejandro Z. Alvarez, whom I have signed to my record label, Rain Gear Records. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for Alejandro’s first single, “Men Deserved Breasts Too” which will be released in June. 4. Flip Flops. I’ve got to get at least one right. So, this spring, when you’re walking about campus (or hopping around, you nine-toed freak), keep your eyes peeled for my predictions, and if you have any extra tuna cans that could be used as hats, please send them to me, because I’m hungry.