The Eighth Page

Atila the Fun

Ah, Spring! Nothing reminds me of spring more than two things: the school’s annual whimsical trip to the chocolate factory and spring sports. Spring sports are great because they are athletic events that take place in the spring season. But what do spring sports really mean? Well, the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines spring sports as this: Spring Sports N.) The word you’ve entered isn’t in the dictionary. Click on a spelling suggestion below or try again using the search box to the right. …Enlightening! Maybe to get a better understanding of what spring sports really mean, we need to take a look at some possible examples of spring sports individually. The most popular spring sport is track. Track is unique for being the only spring sport that allows participants to defraud their way to a varsity letter… zing! Seriously though, all jokes aside, track is without a doubt home to some of the hardest-working lazy people I know… double zing, nerd! Track is also interesting because it is very different from the Olympic Track and Field events, which are also known as “Badger Track and Field,” as every event involves Badgers. Relay batons that are actually Badgers, Badger Shot-put, Badger Vaulting, etc. These world-class athletes come together every four years to celebrate their skills and Badger handling abilities. Ok, that was just silly… What would spring be without America’s great pastime, baseball? Baseball is a lot like track, except the track is square and you get to hit things with bats more often. Baseball is by far my favorite sport to watch. If baseball were a woman, her name would be Esmeralda, and I would marry her. If baseball were a Hun, it would be Attila, and I would cower in fear of its scourge. Girls play baseball too, except they call it softball and play in shorts. The Chicago White Sox played in shorts once, widely regarded the darkest day in the history of sports. If you are looking to get out on the cool refreshing water on those hot and sweltering spring days, no sport sounds like the perfect opportunity to do so but is absolutely not at all, as crew! From what I understand, the experience of crew can be recreated by rubbing your hands all day against sandpaper, while towing around a ’73 Gremlin tied to your back. If crew has anything to do with the spirit of spring, I’ll eat my hat – because I’m not wearing one! No sport has more to do with the spirit of spring than lacrosse. Lacrosse was invented in 1973 in San Francisco by John Lacrosse. Lacrosse wanted a new way to serve subs at the Quiznos franchise he operated. He then created a crude version of today’s modern lacrosse stick. His idea was a massive failure as no one wants a hot oven-toasted sub shot on their goal (AKA “mouth”) and thus he went out of business… but not before the seeds of the game of lacrosse were planted, and six to eight weeks later, a popular east coast game was born. Hurray! These are just a few examples of the many spring sports you can play. Many people opt not to play competitive spring sports, and engage in alternate activities like yoga, community service, or cutting class. The point is that spring is upon us, and unless you get outside and get moving, I’ll hunt you down like the Predator hunting the Governor of California, and this time your gubernatorial self won’t throw a rock at this futuristic space-hunter! Now go! Frolic! Live life to the fullest! Do it now, or I’ll be on you like a hobo on a ham sandwich!