Let’s cut right to the chase: I do, and always will, love asking hypothetical questions. Often, when I get desperate enough, I give Nate Scott ’05 and Christian Vareika ’05 prolonged Shin-Tsai Massages in the hope that they’ll let me write about them (and, equally as often, they use me for my iron grip without letting me ask why). This week, however, things have changed. By “things have changed,” I mean that at the time of writing this I have broken into the Phillipian room on a Thursday morning when no one can stop me. That’s passive-aggression at its finest, ladies and gentlemen. In any event, here are some hypotheticals about finals week that I’ve wanted to ask the student body desperately since I was a young, sprightly child: What would you do if your math teacher handed out a cat instead of the final? Let’s think about this one for a minute. What would you do if every student sat down with a piece of paper in front of them and you alone were handed a regulation-size cat? Also, when you asked your teacher what you should do about it, he or she replied with: “I’m sorry, but I really can’t give you the answer to that. Now get back to work,” and then suggestively handed you your calculator. I personally don’t take math, and don’t ever plan on taking math again, so I really don’t know what to tell you. But, if I did, I’d probably put that cat in the chair in lieu of me, since apparently, they are very smart creatures. Too bad they have hearts so tiny that they rattle around in their rib cages like a BB in a mason jar. How would you handle a cheerleader standing over your desk and screaming your answers? This person would, preferably, be someone you had an intense crush on for a long period of time, and would not want to insult. While filling out your multiple-choice section, for example, they would respond to your answering a “C” with, “QUESTION 7, GIVE ME A C!!! YYYAAAYYY!!!!” When taking an AP Bio final, they would say “ANSWER 19, GIVE ME AN S! GIVE ME A P! GIVE ME A N O! GIVE ME AN N!” They would continue this until they had spelled out “spongophorumcolonaristis – class A”. To tell you the truth, I’d really like it. First of all, it would mean a girl you were into had wild enthusiasm about you, something that doesn’t happen very often with me, which is why I sleep with a Teddy Bear named Flannagan and cry whenever I eat Graham Crackers. Also, I’m terrible at Science, so if everyone else copied my answers, it might adjust the curve in my favor. What would you do if your English teacher announced that everyone was to take the final in your room? Also, you were expected to provide #2 pencils and refreshments for everyone in attendance. Once again, I don’t think this would necessarily be too terrible. Many of my friends call me Rinaldo The Entertainer, and for good reason. Not only am I an adopted Spanish immigrant whose birth name was Rinaldo, but I am also an entertainer, therefore making my nickname perfectly sensible. Anyway, I’d just lay down the law a bit, requiring a black tie event, Anthony Reyes ’05 style, and make everybody talk in French accents. This isn’t even to suggest that I like French accents, but it’s my damn room, and they’ll do whatever I want. What would you answer if halfway through your final, the following question was waiting for you: 21. Will you please rub my feet? Looking up, you would also notice that your teacher was staring at you intently, holding a skunk on a leash. I would personally leave this answer blank unless it was multiple choice. In this case, I would see what the options were. It’s a tried and true SAT tip that you should figure out what you want to answer before you look at the multiple choice, and so I know what I’d be looking for: B. Absolutely. What would you do if a ten-year-old girl outmuscled you and stole all of your money? I know this doesn’t have anything to do with finals, but I seriously need to know, girly man.
