The Eighth Page

F.D. Arrrr

For those of you fretting over exams, especially history exams, it’s time to stop fretting and start doing whatever the opposite of fretting is. Even if you don’t take history- don’t worry, because this flawless history essay response also serves well as an English, RelPhil, or German Essay. Thus, without further ado, I present to you my history of the New Deal. Essay Question (50 pts.): In 400-600 words outline the basics of the New Deal in your own words, was it effective? What worked? What didn’t? “The New Deal was created in the late 1930s by FDR and was endorsed by all 18 members of his posse, F-Unit. Though I don’t remember all the details, FDR’s New Deal keyed in on a few basic issues with America. For example, common knowledge is that in the ’30’s, America was overrun by vicious pirates. Though many commend Mr. DR for ousting the pirates single-handedly, I feel it was too little too late. Many modern historians believe that if FDR hadn’t waited until the pirates launched a highly organized raid on Fort Knox, then the pirate issue could have been stemmed at the epic Battle of Newark Intl. Airport. Contrary to popular belief though, the New Deal wasn’t entirely about pirates, though many (myself included), wish it were. Also included in the New Deal was what is now referred to as the “Northface Act”. The key issue behind the Northface act was that FDR realized and understood that not enough northeastern prep school students were wearing black/grayish Northface fleece jackets. Marine troops shipped in crate after crate, until every prep school kid had gotten the opportunity to pay outrageous sums of money at the Athlete’s Corner for the same stupid fleece everyone at the entire school owns. This act not only kept everyone warm and wearing the same thing, it also helped out with the pirate problem… because pirates hate fleece… it’s like their kryptonite… I read it in Readers’ Digest once. After the issues of swashbuckling buccaneers and style were taken care of, FDR did a couple of more things to help stop the bleeding from not only Black Tuesday, but also Black Wednesday, and Black Thursday. The latter two being hits to the health food and Hip-hop industries, respectfully. Although there were many good things about the New Deal, certainly there were some ideas implemented that perhaps were not in the best interests of the country. For example, the changing of the title of commander in chief from the traditional “Cap’n” to “President”. I think Americans can all agree that President Bush would be far more popular today if he were “Cap’n Bush”. Also, he would have a sugary breakfast cereal. World politics would be a much less volatile subject if everyone could simply discuss world affairs over a bowl of your favorite world leader. But I digress; the real point is that the New Deal was pretty sweet, especially with all the low, low savings on brand name discount merchandise that it created. Either way, I think the New Deal was by far the best vague grouping of presidential acts of the mid 1930s. Anywho, this is Cap’n Gabe, signing off on another totally sweet history essay. In the case that the person turning this in is not named Cap’n Gabe, or any variation of said name, it was a typo and totally not plagiarism.” So that’s my essay, complete with 5 paragraphs of solid coherence. It’s guaranteed to get at least a 4, and you’ll never get caught for plagiarism, because what self-respecting teacher and/or human being honestly reads the Features Section? It’s completely fool proof! Fool proof I say! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Mexico before someone tries to turn this thing in.