The Eighth Page


A fan of mine recently commented that I have been too insulting in my latest articles. They said that they prefer my self-deprecating humor to when I make fun of my general reading audience. However, at this point in time I don’t feel that it’s appropriate for me to make fun of myself. I am but a fragile young cactus growing on the side of the mountain, not yet old enough to defend itself from natural predators, such as jungle cats and carp. This brings me to my next point: when I was preparing for the SATs, I came across the definition of the word “toady”. This word means lots of things that I have made up, but what it really means is “a servile flatterer” (Webster’s Dictionary, quite a coincidence, since toads have WEBBED FEET! Very subtle, Webster, very subtle). Anyways, I want to be called toady, since I think it sounds kinda funny. From now on, I want to be Anthony, the toady kid. Yeah, that sounds neat. Anyway, since I have to flatter people ceaselessly to become toady, and it’s not something I usually do, I have to become practiced, and what better place to practice than in my features article! Not only do I get to be called toady, but I will also stop offending my readers, and, in some cases, even complimenting them. Here are a few examples of people I would like to compliment: John Stamos: Yeah, John Stamos is kind of the man. For those of you who don’t know him, his defining role was on television’s hit series “Full House” as Uncle Jesse. Besides the ability to jerk a tear from Stalin with his dramatic acting ability, Uncle Jesse also married some hot chick who plays some hot blue chick in X-men. You can check out all of his accomplishments at (what would Uncle Jesse do?) Kudos to you, John! Palmer Rampell ’06: Besides creating the most useful invention of all time, Palmer also writes incredibly well researched, accurate articles. For instance, in his last article, he championed the cause of a Fuess renovation because of the “dreadful living conditions”, which he forgot to name. It doesn’t matter that it is getting renovated this summer, because I’m sure he knew that already! Also, he tucks his pants into his boots, which is uber-cool. That dot in the Wall-Mart commercials: Everyone has seen this dot by now. If he is commended for nothing else, he possesses a ridiculous amount of both cheer and athletic ability. If it weren’t for the NCAA regulations regarding computer-generated images in college sporting events, he could be right up there amongst the best cheerleaders in the biz (on a further note, I don’t understand why he is always excluded, since in every “Air Bud” movie there is the climactic scene in which the ref announces that there are no rules saying a dog CAN’T play in pro sports). Anyways, I like the dot guy, he’s the living end. Good-looking women: Yeah, I guess good-looking women are pretty sweet. I’ll just get that out there. President George W. Bush: Big ups to George W. for being the best president since that guy who died of pneumonia a month after he was inaugurated. Before George rolled around, I had completely forgotten what it meant to be terrified for the future of our country! I have a million more people that I could compliment, but most of them it would be unnecessary for me to compliment everyone on this campus. You all know you’re special! With that in mind, I’ll go construct my green jump suit. I will not take being toady as a joke.