The Eighth Page

On the Red Carpet with Ali and Jenny

Guess who we are? IMPORTANT! And guess who are you? Well, we don’t really care. What were you doing last Friday night? Again, we don’t care so stop asking, darling. Let us tell you about our Friday night- and all the gorgeous darling angels who attended the Archival Ball. They were intoxicatingly fabulous, as was absolutely everyone who attended the pre-ball bridge tournament and the post-ball unknown charity gala. Our charitable deed for this week is to inform all of you of who attended this smashing soiree, who was with whom, and who was wearing whom (oh, no need to thank us… but you can)! Also we didn’t bite the mailman on the leg this morning. That’s pretty charitable—he’s quite a dish! Haha, just kidding, sweetie, we only eat expensive people. A few of the highlights: Of course, first and foremost, we absolutely must tell everyone about Antoine “Call me ‘Toine, darling” Reyes ’05’s divine gala! Friday Night (all night) soirees in the library with all the beautiful people are definitely the new it-thing! In fact, tonight, Mclean Gallery, be there! ‘Toine has shown the world that not only does he have ravishing style and killer dance moves, he can plan a party so well we have already booked him to plan our weddings! To him! Yum! AHAHAHAHA we are joking of course we’ll never marry we are far too important to share anything with anyone else! Fashion diva Gabe “Call me ‘F’ for Fashionista” Worgaftik ’06 came up to us with that sassy smile of his and remarked, “You ladies look so ravishing…. NOT. PING!” and chuckled to himself (the only person with any name recognition he mingled with all night!). Alright, for the last time, the hot new phrase on everyone’s lips is… “ZING!” We of course said this after an ill comeback that put that soon-to-be washed-out infomercial diva in his place. Zing, beautiful people, zing. Not Ping. Oh, Gabelet! Obviously, we were looking too hot too handle as usual. Who were we wearing? We’ll never tell! His phone would be ringing off the hook with people wanting to be dressed just like us! AHAHAHAHAHAH WE ARE TOO FUNNY, DARLING! But seriously, most of our past designers have restraining orders against ugly people trying to look like us. Oh, almost everyone looked simply divine that evening! From Peter “I’m wearing Ralph” Nelson ’05’s fabulous casual-chic outfit (he dressed down for a dressed up event, oh sweet irony!) to Steve Sherrill ’05’s uber-trendy green corduroy “pimp” suit, “lookingabsolutelyfabulous” was the word of the night. But there were the tragedies as well. Some people simply don’t understand that “casual dress” means to look amazing while looking like you didn’t try too hard. That’s why it is called “casual.” Thankfully security was tight; the librarians locked out ugly people and “sshhhh”-ed a few loud outfits! Zing! As for the hottest couple of the night besides us, it is a tough call. Everyone expected Sims Witherspoon ’05 and her musically inclined hubby Bobby Edwards to steal the show again, but Bobby was there sans his Southern sweetheart! *Rumor has it that the two are taking some time off. Both of them were looking longingly at us (who wasn’t?! could we have looked any hotter? No, no we could not have.), and of course, who can stay faithful when ‘Toine is working his magic like a magician!! On another note, the “Mediterranean Platter” Wolfgang provided for us was delicious! Well, it looked delicious. I mean, seriously, at such a mod event, how many us chosen few, the beautiful people, do you think would actually eat anything?! Well, unless there was a bathroom very close by. ZING! But honestly it was so delicious-looking that we actually took time to check! But would you still be reading if you didn’t expect us to judge people and trash at least one reputation? Haha, of course not, pookie, you’re as bad as we are (wink!). Well, here you are, you little devil! Livy Coe ’04 almost ruined the entire evening when he dropped a plate of carrots on the vintage Armani carpet—another reason why the food is simply there to be admired, but should definitely be left untouched! We could hear the bleeps of him being erased from everyone’s palm pilot address books. Worst guest at a gala. Ever. I don’t think we’ll hear from him ever again. Livy who? Oh, zing! We really are far too clever! And attractive! And totally craving another soiree of this caliber! And a valium, darling. Tata!