The Eighth Page

You Got Served

So after seeing “You Got Served,” the ill new movie with Nick Cannon, (it’s actually that kid from B2K that looks like Nick Cannon, but I just call him that anyway) and the guy who plays Roger on “Sister, Sister,” I decided to change my ways and devote my life to break dancing and God, but mostly just break dancing. In order for me to become a successful break dancer, though, first I need an appropriate name. So I figured that Loquacious Homicide is an appropriate name, and from now on, it is also the name by which I shall be known. No, really, I’m serious. It’s like my legal name. I go down to the courthouse and I tell the judge that I wanted to legally change my name to Loquacious Homicide, and he looks at me and he says, “Son, are you on any special medications, or are you doing any drugs.” And then I say, “No, your honor, I’m perfectly sober, and this is probably why I’m making crazy decisions!! But if you wanna beef about my name then we can settle this like real men do on the streets: A dance-off.” So then the judge looks at me long and hard and he says, “You’re on, boy. Bring your crew to the abandoned warehouse Saturday night at sundown and we can settle our differences the old-fashioned way.” And I’m like, “Word.” And the judge is like, “Word.” And then I walk out. So everything is all cool right, but then I realize one thing: I don’t have a crew! The judge has the bailiff, the lady who types everything, the court officer, and tons of other peeps like jurors one through five and all. And I bet they practice all the time too, like in between trials. So I think fast and I call the one person who I know will be down as part of my crew: Tolu Wusu ’04. So I see Tolu at the lib, and I’m like, “Yo T-Man, does you want to be in my crew, and we is gonna break dance and stuff.” And I know Tolu is down for this cause he’s all, “Oh G-style talking talking talking talking talking g-style talking I’m not listening, he talks but I don’t listen, back in Cali, you know, you know, yea yea, I love Bryce he is the best roommate ever, talking more talking more not listening. G-style. Yeah Fram Jamma I’m down for being in your crew.” And I’m like whoa whoa, he did NOT just call me by my slave name. “Yo hold up T, my name ain’t Fram no more. It’s Loquacious Homicide, son. So you can either call me Lo, or 187, nah’ mean homes?” Anyways, I still need a few more guys for my crew. Tess Scott ’06 I guess knows how to dance real well so I walk up to her and I’m like, “Yo. Be in my crew for break dancing or else I’m gonna tell Tolu to come start talking to you. And once he starts, you know that there is no stopping him.” And then Tess smiles at me and nods her head and I’m pretty sure that meant yes, so that was cool. By now everyone wants to be in my crew so I get to take my pick. Some girl comes up to me and says she wants in, and I’m like no, and she starts crying, so then I tell her yes, and she stops crying and she looks at me, and then I smile at her and I’m like, “Just kidding fool. You got SERVED!” And that makes me feel really good inside. I decide that the remaining members of my crew should be Anthony Green ’05, Jane Herzeca ’05, and Stephen DeSimone ’04. I also select Anthony Reyes ’05 as our choreographer. So we practice all week, and finally it comes time for us to battle the judge and his crew at the abandoned warehouse. Our crew rolls up in this tricked out 1988 Chrysler Lebaron convertible. Its got spinners and everything and on the windshield it says “Chrysler” in big old English letters, you know, just in case we forget what kind of car we are driving. The judge and his people do their thing and its aight and all but it ain’t nothing special. Now the moment has arrived for my crew to perform, but everything goes wrong! D start telling a story ABOUT someone telling a story, and he scares the bailiff so badly that he is afraid to go to work, and he sends D to counseling once a week. Tolu is off in Tolu-World, and he starts talking to Tess about some of the crazy stuff he and Bryce do in their room, and now Tess is hypnotized by The Tolu so I’ve lost her too. Reyes leaves and goes to the mall and buys clothes from the Polo outlet. Jane sits there. Smiles. Does not speak. Ever. She’s not exactly sure why she has come, so she leaves and goes to Barnes & Noble and has an intellectually stimulating conversation with a John Kerry intern, and they get married and that’s all she wrote. Now it’s just me and Anthony Green, and I look at him and he looks back and I can tell that we are both thinking the same thing. We pray, and our prayers our soon answered when this tiger comes out of the woods and suddenly turns into Michael Jackson. Throughout the good times and the bad, MJ has always been there for me. MJ, Green, and I dance like maniacs. We dance like we’ve never danced before. And the judge knows he’s lost, and he’s like, “You got the juice now.” And I just shake my head and I’m like, “Nah man, no one’s got the juice.” And then the three of us go back to Neverland Ranch for a sleepover and in the morning we have breakfast in bed! And you may be wondering if that would be the same bed. And I would be legally unable to answer the question.