Every season comes to an end. They have to, because otherwise the Andover Boys Cross Country team would never be allowed to eat. While it is sad to see the once-in-a-lifetime squad that was the Sports Section of CXXVI “fade into Bolivian” (thank you, Mike Tyson) we all must remember, after the tears and tickertape parade down Great Quad Road, that no champion can reign forever. The Celtics won eight straight NBA championships in the ’50’s and ’60’s, and now Ricky Davis is the second best player on the team. That’s right, Ricky “I once missed a shot at the other team’s basket to get another rebound and get a triple-double” Davis. The Miami Dolphins didn’t lose a game in the 1972 season, and now Jay “Sure I’m not Jewish?” Feidler is under center. Like those once-proud dynasties, the Sports section is also doomed to mediocrity, late-season collapses and the futile rule of Danny Ainge, also known as Jon Hillman ’05. Just so the rest of you do not feel left out, Brendan McManus ’05 can be John Carroll (Interim Head Coach of the Celtics), Mac King ’05 is Leo Papile (Director of Player Personnel) and Alison Murphy ’05 is Wally the Green Monster (self-explanatory). The great Vince Lombardi once said, “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” In no way does that quote have anything to do with the Phillipian Sports Section. Neither does “I’m Ted Williams, the greatest hitter who ever lived,” spoken by the immortal and clinically insane Alex Vispoli ’04, who was neither Ted Williams, nor the greatest hitter who ever lived. The point is, those were the first two mottos that came to mind, and I really don’t want to bother looking up any more. So we’ll go with them. The season began strongly for the Boys and Girls [sic] of the Sports section, led by none other than the adjective-defyingly great JJ Feigenbaum ’04. Feigenbaum told this reporter that he enjoyed quoting himself in his own articles and I could not agree more. He was also dashingly handsome and of normal weight. NORMAL WEIGHT. Toeing the line with Feigenbaum was Kristina Chang ’04. There is probably something to say about Changer, but I can’t really think of much. But you can blame her for nixing Athlete of the Week. Vispoli rounded out the team, pumping out columns of ridiculous length on a weekly basis. Despite numerous attempts to replace Vispo with younger players with a lower salary cap figure, the Senior Associate kept his job thanks to his supreme fantasy football playing skills. Perhaps what the section will remember most were the stories that never saw the light of day. Remarked former associate Weston Blake Howe IV ’05, “Changer assigned me to write something about the Boys Field Hockey team. I was pretty sure she meant the Girls Field Hockey team, but I am terrified of girls in skirts, so I just went about looking to see if there was a guys’ team.” Howe continued, “Turned out there was. They practiced in the basement of the library with umbrella handles and grass skirts. Needless to say but I’d like to say it anyways, they were wicked totally awesome. I whipped up an incredible 1400 words on that one. I wonder why no one ever printed it.” The members of the section remembered fondly their battle with grammar and simple rules of spelling. “Apparently their [sic] be [sic] only too [sic] p’s in apparently,” stated Feigenbaum after quoting himself in his own article for the second time. Thanks to a razor-sharp wit, the squad revolutionized the art of headlines. It began at an early age for the three-headed beast never actually known as ChaVisFeig, probably because that is the worst nickname ever. The headline “Miami Mourns Mourning’s Malfunction” graced the section’s pages in the winter of 2003, as former editor Evan Panich ’03 spent too much time removing references to a certain hairy area of his body from the Features Section to monitor ChaVisFeig. And yes, ChaVisFeig is still the worst nickname ever, worse than the Cushing Purple Penguins. In fact, the only nickname that would be worse might be the NMH Hoggettes, but they don’t actually exist per se. Well, they might, and I’d try to explain it, but it’s experiential. The team and their headlines only improved with age, like Doug Flutie. In the fall, an unknown Sports Editor who may have written this article penned the headline “Boys Soccer Bashes Beaver.” And if you need that minor error explained, just ask Matt Fram ’04, he probably still has a copy of the issue, with the headline underlined. By the time the final metaphorical buzzer rang, and the squad sprinted around the track on the bell lap, and they finished mixing metaphors into a pile of senseless word thingies, the team knew it would have a place in the lore of Phillipian boards to come. Even if the articles were poorly written or edited, or, as was usually the case, both, the team had etched its name into the record books, as the greatest goal scorer in NHL history. Take that, Wayne Gretzky.
Subscribe to The Phillipian Newsletter!
Read the week’s top stories from The Phillipian, curated for your inbox. Subscribe here!