A funny thing happened on my way back from a Madden 2004 session in Troy, the annex of Fuess. More specifically, the funny thing was that I was chased through my dorm by a lunatic, red-headed, 230-pound PG. While I can now write this account of my adventure from the safety of my own room, until recently I could only faintly remember what it was like not to be wandering around Fuess in my 45-man galleon. If you have the time, please let me tell you the tale of my more-than-slightly delayed return home. It started the second I stepped out of Anthony Green ’05’s pimp-pad. I was counting the bank I won from betting on Madden (metaphorically) when, running in slow motion, accompanied by a stirring soundtrack of violins and lit in a dramatic fashion was Alex Bongiorni ’04. Acting on my feline instincts, I dropped the cash and fled. I didn’t have time to think of where to go, but I knew I had to hide. I ducked in the first open door and shut it quickly behind me. Clearly the occupants of this sanctuary had a “drug” problem, as the room was littered with half-eaten lotuses. Dozens of lotus-affected Fuessies were lazing about, blabbering about the importance of a balanced defense in simulated football games. It didn’t take my incredibly sharp and witty mind accompanied by chiseled features and a winning personality to realize that this was not a suitable hiding place. I knew I had to escape this chemical prison, but the door was guarded by the second-most intimidating football PG in the dorm. Grabbing the two nearest lotus-addicts, I flung open the door. Seeing my reappearance, Bongo recommenced the chase, but I shoved the two druggies in his path, and ran for the stairs. I was back on the first floor, and had only to cross the common room to be back to my own hall. But just as I was about to make a dash for the door, the most beautiful voice captured my attention. The song was the epitome of femininity and I was forced to follow the sound. Surely, such sweet, high-pitched vocals could come from only one source: Joey Lokitis ’06. Hypnotized by the sweet melody, I headed towards his room. On my approach, I noticed a disturbing abundance of human remains littered about his door. I’d normally not have thought twice about this, but you have to realize that this is Joey Lokitis we’re talking about. Pulling my beeswax earplugs from my official titanium beeswax earplugs carrying case, I plugged my ears and turned back towards my goal. But just as I started towards the common room, Bongo burst through the doors. My feet slipped against the grimy Fuess floors, but once I regained traction, I headed down towards the basement. In the basement of Fuess I killed a lamb and talked to dead people. However, I had an urgent need to return home and couldn’t stay long. Dodging infestations of ants and running through a labyrinth of stacked pizza boxes, I pushed through the far door and ran back upstairs. At this point, I was so close to home that I could smell the sweet scent of the Abercrombie cologne of Steve Rolocek ’05. My room was in sight, but I could see I’d have one more obstacle to overcome before my ordeal was over. Standing in my path was Stephen Desimone ’04 with a patch over his eye, looking hungry. To avoid confrontation, I poked him in the eye with a pointed stick and ducked by him into my own room and locked the door behind me. Finally, I’d returned home. I’d lost my entire crew, my wife was almost forced to remarry, and I’d aged twenty years, but at least I gained a better appreciation for Greek mythology.
