Since I have been named Editor of the Features section, I have not written an article. I have noticed the devastation that the lack of my articles has wrought, and I am truly sorry to all of those I have harmed. In fact, just the other day I saw a young man clutching the Features section, rifling through it over and over again. Upon not seeing my article, he screamed “WHY WAS I BORN OF WOMAN!!??” But I am back, and with my return I am bringing fresh new ideas to the section. However, there is no reason for the reader to get excited. I am extremely selfish and gluttonous, and all of the changes I am going to make will only affect members of the Phillipian board. I will quickly outline a few of the changes I’m going to make, changes that will effect ME, and not YOU, nerd-burger. 1. The Phillipian Turkey Vending Machine: I guess the nature of this one is pretty self explanatory. The nights that we have in the Phillipian room can get exceedingly long, and since Ryley closes down around 9:30 (except when I prop the doors open and plunder all of the fruit-cups), members of the board can get very hungry, or “wumbly in the tumbly”, as the Italians would say. With this in mind, I have spent thousands out of my own pocket to install a turkey vending machine into the corner of the Phillipian room. For only 75 cents, delicious bundles of hot, sliced turkey roll out of the plastic shoot and into your tummy. What a country we live in. 2. Hot Tub: I have embezzled money from the new Commons renovation plan to install a hot tub into the Phillipian room, conveniently located right next to the turkey vending machine. With only a small stretch, I can enjoy warm sliced turkey while soothing my muscles in a luxurious two-person Jacuzzi. While it may seem odd that it’s a two-person tub, since I would not want to share the comfort of the hot tub with anyone else, this directly relates to my third change in plans. 3. Barbara Streisand: Yes, good old Barbara’s career has fallen off a bit in recent years, and when I offered her part time work for Monday-Wednesday in a clean and non-discriminating atmosphere, she was more than glad to take me up on the offer. Barbara gives wonderful massages, and her voice is still sweeter than the left-over gum underneath the tables in Ryley. While the other editors are hard at work, I sit back and revel in the glory of some of Barbara’s classic tunes, such as uh….oh….you know the one with the uh….oh, poop. At least she works for under minimum wage. 4. Nuclear Weaponry: Yeah, that’s right, you heard me. From now on, the Features section will have a giant nuclear bomb sitting around next to our computers. While we don’t ever plan on using it, you have to admit, it’s pretty intimidating to have a giant nuke next to you when you’re trying to make a point. Let me try and illustrate this point by summarizing a conversation Ihad the other day with Elissa Harwood ‘05, Editor-in-Chief: “Hey, Elissa, can I put in this comic of two guys pointing at the sky and talking about how they’re pointing at the sky?” “Absolutely not” (enter the sound of me tapping on the nuke and then petting it and putting it in my lap) “Are you sure?” I then ask. “On second thought, how about I give you my position as Editor-in-Chief?” “No Elissa, I’m not power hungry, I just want you to use my comic.” “Deal.” See? The Nuke is so clutch. Well, that’s it really. I’m not sure why you would care about these changes, since they don’t affect you, but I don’t care that you don’t care, nerd-burger. On a serious note, I do want to put in a “how-to” section, so when we do print it, tell me what you think. In any event, I’m gonna’ go eat turkey while soaking in the tub. If you have any problem with that, please let me know, I’ll be really scared, because I don’t have a nuclear bomb or anything…
