The Eighth Page


Now that the Board CXXVI is finally (Yes! FINALLY!) handing over the reins of this esteemed publication to our dismal and egregiously inferior successors (Just kidding, I love you Elissa!), I feel I must discuss a relevant and sentimental topic that touches all of our hearts… LOVE! Okay, it’s like this. The Phillipian is a fun “extracurricular” activity, certainly, but it is really a euphemism for a weekly LOVE extravaganza that occurs every night in the deserted basement of Morse (which is a totally appropriate building, by the way, because Samuel Morse not only invented Morse Code, but also the actual love machine, which I can’t really describe to you here, but can certainly show you… you get it? I am making a sly allusion to something mysterious and inappropriate!). I think it is appropriate that I discuss this topic, because I am the most loving person alive. I love mean people, wearing cute and cuddly animal fur (chinchilla, like animal rights activist Jay-Z), and when people say stupid things and everyone laughs at them and they don’t know what is going on so they leave alone and crawl in a hole and cry themselves to sleep. I mean, what is The Phillipian but a pursuit of LOVE? We often sit around and just talk about the topic with refined wit and intellectual conversation. Here is a sample conversation which I swear happened sometime in the past year: “You know that funny feeling you get in your stomach when you think about someone? What is that? LOVE, perhaps?!” a friend asked. “Probably more like unstrategically timed diarrhea,” I responded. ZING! “No, stop being so immature, I am being serious!” “Seriously LAME!” BAAAM! Geez, some people just set themselves up for my best comebacks! “No, shuttup, I hate talking to you. You are the worst friend ever. I hate you.” “Yea, well guess what! You are so fat, you fell in love and broke it! I bet you didn’t see that one coming… looks like someone forgot to pay her brain bill.” ZING ZING DOUBLE ZING! I know how sharp my wit is, and I try to tone it down most of the time. I mean, I can’t be full of charmingly clever one-liners all the time, can I? Everyone would just be cracking up all the time, and no one would get anything done! So, some other times, we just sit around and ponder the philosophical question, “Is it possible to love?” And then we just look at each other and say, “No…. YES!” and have a huge massive love-fest. Just kidding. We actually just sit around the office and draw diagrams of female and male bodies and discuss different techniques of physical affection. We also play such romantic games as Ten Fingers, in which we find out secrets from board members and hold them against them forever. Or we just sit around and con food out of the stingy guys at Bertucci’s and talk about how we love The Phillipian. Hehehe, again, I’m kidding, of course. Now, I am getting all sentimental and stuff. I guess I will no longer experience such spiritual nirvana as I had in the newsroom this year, but it’s okay, because this season of “American Idol” is going to rock!