The Eighth Page

Ead-ray Eatures-Fay

As some of you may have heard, or read, or been beaten mercilessly into understanding, I am one of the new editors of the Features section. This is a really exciting time for me, for I have many ideas for the future of the page. Here is an outline of some additions that I will be installing into the Features section over the next year. 1. New Name: The Features section will no longer be referred to as “the Features section”. Henceforth, it shall be known as “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HOLLA- IT’S DA ILL FEATCHAAAAAAASSSSSS BANG BOOM BADAAAAAA (Cymbal crash)” (To learn proper pronunciation, see me immediately). Anyone who doesn’t pronounce it properly, or isn’t equipped with a cymbal, or prefers to refer to it by its old name will be punished severely. 2. “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HOLLA- IT’S DA ILL FEATCHAAAAAAASSSSSS BANG BOOM BADAAAAAA (Cymbal crash)” Fun Fact of the Week: This fun section will be called O.H.I.D.I.F.B.B.B.(C.C.). F.F.O.T.W. for short. It’s very similar to Snapple facts, where we provide a “fact” in our section and you have to guess whether it’s true or not, and the next week we will tell you. For instance, we might print, “The sky is composed of horse manure and fairy dust”, and the next week we’d tell you that that was “false”. Or we might print, “Nate Scott ’05 cries himself to sleep every night”, and of course next week you’d find out that was “true”. See, isn’t it fun? 3. The ’06 Ego Suppressant Section: This section of the paper is where each week we take on the honest endeavor of trying to calm the class of ’06’s raging ego. Here is an example of the section: “Hey ’06, we know you all think you’re really hot because you all play varsity sports and date upperclassmen and are generally too cool for the world, but guess what we found out? You know your mom and dad’s divorce- IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT.” In conjunction with the ’06 Ego Suppressant Section, there will be another section— 4. The ’07 Ego Booster Section: This section will serve to pick up the spirits of the lost little souls that make up the class of ’07. Here is an excerpt from a future printing: “Hey guys…how ya doing? Hanging in there? Yeah, I know how it is. But hey, you’re looking pretty cute today, huh? And hey, you’ll grow into those ears in no time at all. One day you’ll be a big bad varsity letterman, and you’ll get asked to the Sadie Hawkins/ Blue and Silver even before the standard two month early invitation. You just wait and see, buddy, you’ll be on top one day.” 5. Dear Abby. This weekly column will allow love-struck students on campus to write in to our resident love expert, Abbonthy Green ’05 (Abby for short). Abby is very experienced with matters of love, and is always there to provide sound advice when it comes to matters regarding the opposite sex. Here is a recent conversation (s)he and I shared- Nate- Hey bud, I need your advice. Abbonthy- Yeah, what about? N- Well, its…a girl… A- A girl badger? N- No…just a regular girl. A- Oh, okay, I gotcha. N- See, this girl sends me a lot of mixed signals. A- She’d be bad at being an Air Traffic Controller. N- What? No, man. I mean, I can’t tell if she likes me or not. A- I bet she’s a witch. With the addition of the Dear Abby section, everyone will be able to receive this priceless advice. 6. Each week, one article (minimum) will be written in Pig Latin. Here is an example of one such article- “O-say oday-tay I-ay as-way eating-ay in-ay ommons-cay, eh-thay ood-fay as-way o-say ad-bay, uffalatta-may akes-may ee-may ant-way oo-tay ie-day.” With the addition of Pig Latin, the already poor writing of our section will become even more incomprehensible. Hooray! So that’s it folks. I hope these plans suit you. And remember, when you open up your paper every week, turn first to the section you love the most—“ Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HOLLA- IT’S DA ILL FEATCHAAAAAAASSSSSS BANG BOOM BADAAAAAA (Cymbal crash)”