I’ve come to the conclusion that I should be president in 2004. Only I have clear, simple solutions that will solve our nation’s pressing problems while maintaining moral clarity and protecting our precious national fluids. I’ve been watching our nation’s political circus for several years and I’m getting tired of the elephant act and its smell. I don’t care much for the leading Democrats either. The Iraq war and Patriot Act voting records of senators Kerry and Edwards, winner and runner-up respectively in the Iowa caucuses, attest that both men have the courage and convictions to stand up, point a finger at President Bush, and declare, “I want exactly what he wants, only to a lesser extent.” Voting for George W. Bush is like drinking gin from the bottle. It’ll leave an awful taste going down, and the next morning you’ll be unpleasantly hung-over. Voting for Kerry or Edwards is like drinking watered-down gin—an activity that no one should want to do. I, however, am more Democratic than Joseph “Senator Palpatine” Lieberman and less conciliatory than Kerry or Edwards. I am not as silly as Al Sharpton or as cuckoo as Dennis Kucinich. I am not as belligerent as Howard Dean is alleged to be, and if you disagree, I’ll knock your lights out. My visage is less simian than that of our current president. Moreover, I have the vision thing. I have vision like China has Chinese people. I have vision like Helen Keller has touch. For instance, last week George W. Bush outlined his plans for our nation’s space program. Previously, he revealed a plan to save social security by bankrupting the program. Early in his presidency, he looked for new sources of oil such as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. I would synthesize these three efforts and, in doing so, lead our nation in a manly thrust at the stars. President Bush opened a speech on Wednesday, January 14, “Inspired by all that has come before and guided by clear objectives, today we set a new course for America’s space program. We will give NASA a new focus and vision for future exploration. We will build new ships to carry man forward into the universe, to gain a new foothold on the Moon and to prepare for new journeys to the worlds beyond our own. . . .” I’m all for sending women and men to the moon. Other writers have pointed out, however, that if we send old people into space, we’ll save money by not having to provide a return trip. Moreover, if we can place senior citizens in space, we’ll escape paying their social security as they rise / dream, and so create / Translunar Paradise. Later in the speech, President Bush asserted, “With the experience and knowledge gained on the Moon we will then be ready to take the next steps of space exploration, human missions to Mars and to worlds beyond.” Many scientists believe that the red planet once featured conditions suitable for terrestrial-type life. Mars may once have harbored life. Further, Mars, being a planet, must have geologic forces. What is oil but former life compressed into black goo by geologic forces? Let us go to Mars, I say, and drill for oil. Better yet, let’s have non-citizen “guest workers” do that work—as long as they’re heterosexual. Like George W. Bush’s, my vision is optimistic. What more do you, the voters, need?
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