While many of my friends regaled me with tales of wild adventures that they had experienced over their breaks, I only had the opportunity to catch up on my soaps and watch “Passions,” and while they may be the same thing, I couldn’t think of a second entry for my list because I did nothing. Therefore, upon coming back from break, I decided that I was still in need of a good adventure, and nothing provides excitement and purely mental stimulation quite as well as a wildlife safari does. While we don’t exactly live in Sub-Saharan Africa, there are plenty of wild, untamed beasts right here in the Fuess that can be examined. Some, believe it or not, have quite a history behind them, and through some stolen textbooks from Evans I was able to do all the research I needed. The most important of all these beasts is a creature known as The King of All Wasps, or, as we affectionately call him here in the Fuess, “The Wasp King.” While many domestic bees and wasps can grow to sizes of close to two inches, The Wasp King is three feet long and weighs 64 pounds. From time to time he roams around the dorm asking for food and other such handouts, rarely refused to him, although some have learned their lessons well (R.I.P. little Jeffrey). While we don’t spend too much time together, I like to think that His Majesty and I have formed a friendship, or as much of a friendship that can be formed between a boy and a 64-pound wasp responsible for the premature deaths of 11 children. The second most important creature roaming around the dorm is known as Andres Poppadila ’06 (spelled really wrong, check in Face-book). [Editor’s Note: “FEATURES: the Hardest- Working Staff on Campus”]. Known for his superhuman strength and tremendous size, much of the seismic activity surrounding the Fuess is not actually an earthquake, but Andres banging on the vending machines when they cheat him out of a quarter. Through the years, scientists have tried to make contact with Andres through different forms of communication, including hand signals and high-pitched noises, but he persists to understand only compliments on his tremendous strength and size. When trying to form a closer relationship with the mysterious and elusive Andres, I at times had to go to extreme measures. While a good-natured beast, he is not aware of his own strength, and an innocent hug from Andres quickly turned into a life-or-death struggle pitting me against 19 tons of crushing power. I got all the entertainment I missed out on over break when these two behemoths decided to duke it out the night I came back. Many in my dorm called the battle “The Battle of Andres and the King,” but I felt that this lacked flare in all aspects. Therefore, I renamed the battle “Andres Vs. Wasp King,” reminiscent of the blockbuster film Freddy Vs. Jason, hitting your video store shelves on January 13. As one brilliant reviewer for The Miami Herald put it, in this feature film, Jason “…got all Russell Crowe and gladiated EVERYBODY.” I’d be a fool to disagree that this is also what happened in the battle between The King and Andres the Giant. Never, in all my years, have I seen two forces of nature pitted against each other in such a fierce, disgusting way. The battle started when The King stole a bowl of Kraft Mac-And-Cheese from the microwave. While it was not Andres’, Andres was confused by the loud sound that the microwave door made, and attacked The King without warning. What The King lacked in size and strength, he more than made up for in stinger length and willpower, and it wasn’t long before this battle, so abruptly started, ended just as quickly. While you may have taken nothing from this article, and my writing skills have degenerated significantly from writing it, you must never forget that any attempt at adventure or education is always worthwhile. I also wrote it to help out The Wasp King and Andres, being nursed in Isham right now, next to the sleeping room. He hasn’t had a visitor besides me in two days, and he’s getting lonely for them in such a remote area of campus. Any visitors would be greatly appreciated, and, to educate my readers one small bit more, I quote that lady from “ER” when I say, “The More You Know. Du du du DOOOO.”
