I’ll admit it. I used to have a problem, and last spring I was put on probation because of my problem. Since May I have been completely clean, but due to my addictive personality, I have developed other habits. Most notable among these are gambling with my mom. We usually bet on stuff like if we are at the supermarket, how many minutes it will take us to get home. Or when the next time I will do something stupid will be. Yeah, she still hasn’t paid me yet, but I plan not to wear any clothes until she does. Y’all know you wanna see that. Moving along: it’s a new year with many new faces, and many new freshman girls for Derrick Kuan ’04 and me to scare, like Emma Winsor Wood ’07 and Kelly Chang ’07. A lot of jive fools have been writing advice articles for new students. Their advice is completely wrong, and I am here to show you the real Andover, the stuff they don’t show you at the Admissions Office or on the E! Channel (“Zoolander” rocks, as does “Corky Romano”). Without futher ado, here is my advice to all: don’t trust strangers and shower as rarely as possible. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the advice for the different classes. Freshmen: First of all you are not Juniors, you are freshmen. If you are a big dork now, don’t worry. Many of us cool upperclassmen started out as big dorks. Derrick Kuan and I used to skip JV football practice once a week to play video games; now look at us. Still the same really, but now we run things. Christian Vareika ’05 is another example of this phenomenon: A quiet, reserved freshman who came out of his shell after his first year. And now we all know about his skills as a playa on and off the clustah soccer field. For a lot of you, things will get better as you gain seniority. For some of you, it won’t. For now, keep your hands away from the mouth of Bill Beregi ’04. Lowers: I slept through Lower Year, so I don’t know dat, ya heard? Uppers: Ali Schouten ’04 is right: coffee is your friend. Listen to her, because she’s a cool dudette. A special word on English 300: when you take Shakespeare in the spring and your teacher asks you to write a “creative” essay on Hamlet, make sure you follow in my footsteps (everyone knows what I am talking about. If you don’t, then you obviously don’t go to school here). Just be warned: you will never be able to come close to my own oeuvre, “Hamlet Yo,” no matter how hard you try. Even the thought of it is inconceivable. And when your teacher again asks you to write another creative essay on Macbeth, make sure this one is twice as good. ’Nah mean? (For my complete English 300 works, please contact Aaron Stroble ’04, who still has them in his room, seriously.) Seniors: Ain’t much left to say. We’ve been through it all, and now we run things. Our journey is almost over, and soon we will graduate–knock on wood. Seriously, guys, pray for me, I need all the help I can get. Better schedules equal better grades, and now all of us are worrying about colleges. I say FORGET THAT–college is for jive fools. When I leave high school I plan to walk the earth, and then settle down as a master of the custodial arts. Then I plan to become a drifter, like my main man Pete Sunshine. While everyone is worrying about the future, I am as cool as a cucumber, because I already have my future planned out for me. Relax, get involved with something. I am now the self-proclaimed head of the Andover Chivalry Society, a club started by Jasper Perkins and Derrick Kuan, the ill Features Editors. This is an official club that has been approved by the school. The motto of the Chivalry Society is “In Tiny Head We Trust.” For those unfamiliar with Tiny Head, he is the Ancient Egyptian god of gentlemanly behavior. It is rumored that on brisk, sunny days, if you call his name loudly enough in a high-pitched voice, the mythical creature will appear on his bike and give you guidance.
