The Eighth Page

Celebrity Boxing Fat Tony Style

For those of you who weren’t around last year, I wrote a brilliant and well received article on hypothetical questions. Although this article was groundbreaking and original, the real strength of the article was the fact that it was written in list form. Although Andover students may be touted as having superior intellects, we have shorter attention spans than most chimpanzees and a large majority of apes. There can be no other explanation for the popularity of With that in mind, I will write another hypothetical article in nearly the same format. On many a Saturday night, while the rest of the school is in Ryley room or at dances, I’m spending my time practicing the art of ninja-hood. Using a green towel as a costume and the phallic statue as a punching bag, I have acquired superhuman kick strength and stealth incomparable to the rest of the student body. This leads me to thinking: 0I wonder what other karate greats I could beat in a fight. While Bruce Lee, Jet Li, and Lee Rotenberg ’05 are out of the question, there are many others I feel I would at least have a chance beating. Following is a list of karate greats and my chances in beating them at a fight: 1. Matthew McConaughey. I’m not sure how many of you saw the epic film “Reign of Fire,” but I feel that Matty stole the show. Despite his totally sweet tattoo and that ax he carries around everywhere, you can’t help but shake the memory of him courting Goldie Hawn’s daughter in that movie about the genetically modified bacteria warriors. Nevertheless, after critiquing his performance in “The Wedding Planner,” I’d finish him off with a roundhouse kick to the face. Take that, pretty boy. 2. Jennifer Lopez. Lovingly referred to as J-Lo by her brain-dead fan base, you can’t help but admit that she is quite the fighter. Although she did bite off Evander Holyfield’s right ear back in the 90’s, I’d still fight that lassy. I saw that movie “Enough” with her in it, and even though it was as much fun as living in Fuess, she had some ridiculously good moves. Since I couldn’t kick her in the genitals like most of my other opponents, I would have to resort to bringing Ben Affleck into the mix. Once I got that Hahvahd-Yahdah to dump her, I could make her sit through “Gigli.” The movie’s quality, or lack thereof, would weaken her immune system and allow the common cold to take her out for me. 3. Ben Affleck. At this point you realize that I am writing this article on the spot, and have put no previous thought into it. It is also at this point that you realize how bad “Daredevil” was. Colin Farrell was all like, “Yo Ben, you and J-Lo have quite the romance, maybe you can come over to my house party later,” and then Ben is all like, “Ha, you make only $7 million a movie, whereas I make a hefty $15 mil.” That’s where they start fighting. In real life, Ben is much more of a pacifist, and I don’t think I’d have too much of a hard time taking him out. Teamed up with his former film star Matt Damon, I could use Matt’s superior ability to pick movies to defeat Affleck in one foul swoop. 4. Rodney Dangerfield. Although intimidating because of his good looks and the fact that he was in “Ladybugs,” I feel I could build up the nerve to fight him. The only requirement would be that I’d get to use Mathew McConaughey’s ax from “Reign of Fire.” Yeah, that movie was totally sweet. 5. Don King. I think it’s time to put this man in the ring. Although he’s never been in any movies, I think I have a pretty good idea of how to fight him. It would be important that I kick him in the genitals as soon as the fight starts. That would really hurt, not to mention the fact that it would have hilarious comic consequences. After he was disabled, I would most likely pull a bird out from the nest in his hair and stab him with its beak. So what did we learn from this article? That I’m excessively violent? That I have nothing of any importance to say? That Rodney Dangerfield is sexy? I think that we learned all of these things and more. So in closing, I hope that you all have good weekends, and I highly recommend renting “Reign of Fire.” Could it be the best movie ever? Yes, yes it could.