The Eighth Page

The Return of the Haiku

For those of you who are new to this fine institution, last year at the beginning of the spring term I used the Features section of this paper to do a little experiment in self-expression, and I chose a simple, elegant form of verse to do so. Simply put, I was too lazy to write a real article, so I just wrote a bunch of haikus. After a warm response from three to five people, and a poster making fun of me put out by the Under the Bed improv troupe, I decided the haikus would return, one day. Today is that day, it not being any other day, today. So here you are, the return of the haiku. Oh, gorgeous freshman! So lovely. I think I was Your babysitter meatstiK has returned Sweaty guys all together. ’05 is the best. The boy’s locker room Is like a tragic war zone With towels of death. Blaine-o has returned. God bless his large, hairy soul I missed him so much. Phantom del Amor Lying dormant ’till winter His love is like woah. All of these PG’s— Each one bigger than the next Like whales or something. I’m almost 18. So why do people still ask If I’m in Rockwell? D. Kuan and Jasper Are they features editors? Evil communists? These football players With IQs of eleven The biddies love them Girl soccer PG’s, Oh, why do you tempt me so!? I mean… Hi, I’m Nate Boys cross country team Your fans are like your mile times Around 5 or so My size 13 feet Cause me to trip endlessly And fall on my face A brand new school year Let’s go out and make it as Painless as we can I love you all–except for that damned improv troupe that made fun of me with those posters. I hope they all get a paper cut reading this. To everyone else, good day.