The Eighth Page

Quad Day: Taylor Kisses and Tells

Traditionally, Quad Day has been a joyous, lighthearted celebration, providing the entire PA community with an opportunity to start the year off well. However, that all changed last September, when the Taylor Kissing Booth, a recent Quad Day tradition, became the source of a massive outbreak of an orally transmitted infection that devastated not only Academy Hill, but also the entire Merrimack Valley area. And, of course, we all know that, like an education and a tattoo of a young Gary Coleman on your left thigh, once you get this mysterious malady, it’s with you for life. That said, all of the donors and recipients of kisses at last year’s Quad Day have been quarantined and barred from participating or visiting this year’s celebration. Naturally, the majority of participants in the Quad Day celebrations are residents of the Quads, and last year many of them became infected. Obviously, this is a major problem: if all of the residents of the Quads have been banished to the nether-regions of campus (a.k.a. my room in Fuess), who will volunteer their time, talent, and effort to the best day of the entire year? Being the fine, responsible, ambitious young men, women, and Derrick Kuans that we are, the board of The Phillipian has volunteered to take over the task this year. With a bunch of college-padding high-school newspaper writers at the helm, this promises to be the wackiest Quad Day ever! With our trusty editor out of the lineup, some fear that our Quad Day duties may lack discipline and order, but I have faith that the Phillipian staff will prevail. First and foremost, Associate Editors Mackenzie King ’05 and Cassie Tognoni ’05 took over for the Fuess-ridden Taylor boys at the kissing booth. King was selected because, of course, he is a ladies’ man, and Tognoni was chosen so that, in lieu of a kiss, unsuspecting patrons can pay to hear her conservative ramblings on the evils of affirmative action. Quad Day wouldn’t have been Quad Day without the eating competitions. Nate Scott ’05, an Associate Editor, who, oddly enough, possesses a preternatural ability to whip up some heavenly coconut cream pies, provided baked goods for the day. “What can I say?” Scott says. “I’ve got a gift. Some people are born to be politicians, others to be doctors, teachers, zoo-keepers; I was born to bake.” Associate Editor Andrew St. Louis ’05, the early favorite for all of the eating competitions, suffered a humiliating defeat to PG Stephen DeSimone ’04, who both ate more pie than St. Louis and then threw him into the Slip ‘n’ Slide/kiddie pool assembly. Commentary Editor Jeremy Beecher ’04 and Features Editor Jasper Perkins ’04 sadly were not working at Quad Day; since they were in Thompson House watching “The O.C.” News Director Olivia Oran ’04 and Managing Editor Jenny Wong ’04 provided the majority of the entertainment for the day, performing an elaborate, moving interpretive dance to the new Beyoncé hit. Many of my devoted readers may be asking, “Christian, what is the Phillipian board going to do with all of the proceeds from their fabulous festivities?” First of all, I can assure you that absolutely none of the proceeds will go to either West Quad South or West Quad North. We will make a responsible decision based on the will of the members of the Phillipian board. In other words, we will most likely buy 500 “Wild Wild West” posters with which to cover the bare walls of the new Phillipian room in the basement of Morse and use the proceeds to buy Derrick Kuan ’04 a prosthetic leg. Or I’ll just buy a jacuzzi for Fuess. Whatever, this school is really rich anyway. Well, you’ve probably been skimming over my article for a good few minutes now, and you must be thinking: “Christian, why, with all of this mention of the rest of the Phillipian board, have you not mentioned your plans for Quad Day?” And to that question I have a perfectly sound answer: because I will not be at Quad Day. No, I will be in Thompson House, watching “The O.C.,” filing Jasper’s nails, and begging him to make me a head editor when I grow up, whenever that is.