The Eighth Page

Welcome to the Big House

Here at Andover, anyone will tell you that the most important thing you can focus on is organization. Moving into your dorm room is no exception. For those day students out there, this article will be useless to you. [Editor’s Note: These people have cars now so you should be nicer to them, jerk.] Nevertheless, after two years of grueling packing jobs, I have become somewhat of a master of moving into and decorating my room. The first thing you have to take into account is whether or not you have a roommate. If you do, and I highly recommend it, then there are a few drawbacks. I think the biggest one of those is that you cannot put up giant posters of your face all over your room. I love nothing more than looking at my face wherever I go, but alas, my roommate does not approve. In this case, bring at least 15 mirrors so that your roommate can look at his face, too! You do not want to be selfish. After all, we are a non sibi school. Try and be smart and efficient about moving your stuff in. I was caught by surprise last year when somebody told me that my clothing was actually not supposed to be kept under my bed, but in these things called “drawers”, or a “bureau,” for the French speakers out there. LA DEE DA! However, this shouldn’t keep you from doing what is easiest and most convenient. Just because a shirt is supposed to be kept off the floor doesn’t mean you can’t keep it there so long as you vacuum frequently. My roommate last year was a little upset at how frequently and obsessively I vacuumed. Sorry to disrupt you, Victor, but is it THAT big of a deal for me to clean the floor every two months? God. Moving in your furniture is easily the most difficult task of settling into your room. There’s nothing worse than lugging around hundreds of pounds of hyperallergenic cushion and cheap Soviet-made steel up three sets of stairs. That’s why I find that using water furniture is the smartest way to go. Not only is water furniture good for your back, classy, and stylish, but it’s also easy to transport. Just fill it up when you get upstairs in the sink, and at the end of the year bring it into the room of someone you dislike and pop it, then watch the poor bastard bail! Hey man, about last year, was it unfortunate that I ruined your computer and your Van Gogh painting, or was it totally sweet? I think we all know the answer to that. Besides all of these things, it’s absolutely imperative that you bring items that the school won’t already provide for you. I can only be jealous of the good sense people display when they bring books, workout equipment, and bananas into their rooms. It’s incredibly essential that all of these things be brought in, since it’s common knowledge that this school has insufficient facilities when it comes to the library, the gym and Commons bananas. I bring a few books myself, but they’re just to show off my class for the ladies. Just a tip: the entire Complete Idiot’s Guide series displayed on your wall just oozes sex appeal during a parietal. So there you have it. That’s about all the advice I can give to help the student body out with all of its moving needs. With that out of the way you can spend your time doing more important things, such as studying or checking to see the latest info on the greatest movie ever made. When two such evil characters fight, whom can you root for? I placed my bet on society, which always comes out on top. Anyways, I hope I’ve allayed your trivial worries about where to keep your clothing or how to carry your bed up stairs. But don’t bother thanking me, I’m just here to help.