The Eighth Page

Monkey Magic: 2004 Predictions

My fellow students, welcome back for what is sure to be another great school year! For those of you who have yet to experience what the French call “Le Boarding School,” let me start off your journey at Academy Hill with a sonnet I have entitled “Sweet Nothings”: Uday and Qusay, you two always were the best of friends, But just a little bit creepy with all that nitroglycerine, I remember it like yesterday when we played Oujia with Sadaam, And he tried to poison me with anthrax and called me Mr. WonTon. Or what about the time we all went to watch “Gigli,” And Uday tripped in the theatre and his turban started peeling. And how funny was it when Qusay was supposed to assassinate Cheney? But instead spent the entire day watching “Driving Miss Daisy.’ Boy I’ll miss you two, we always had tons of fun, Like how we’d set people on fire and watch them run. Too bad you guys are dead, though, that’s kind of a bummer, I was looking so forward to going to Baghdad next summer. This piece, as well as many others, can be found in my anthology Rhythm for the Soul: The Twentieth Century’s Greatest Dictators. Well, I’m sure all of you had an absolutely fantastic summer. I spent most of it padding my college resume with community service, working as an operator at a self-improvement hotline. I never knew how fun it was telling people lies in order to make them feel better about themselves. Especially helpless drunks: they’re the funniest. In the same fashion, I will use my unyielding wisdom and provincial point-of-view to inform you, the reader, of some things to expect next year. These are my predictions: 1. In a fit of inspiration, President Bush will work like a horse, postponing his two month-long vacation to Lego Land and sleeping only 14 hours a day. He will continue to spend much time in the film room studying episodes of “The West Wing.’’ 2. Traditional Freshman Orientation exercises in the Sanctuary will be replaced by Fear Factor-like tasks: Scaling the bell tower, sprinting through a burning building, and eating a plate of London broil. 3. Fed up with his mother’s perennial well-being, Prince Charles will employ an old British strategy and attempt to addict the Queen to Opium. 4. An upturn in the economy will allow the school to upgrade campus toilet paper to OPP’s “Sandpaper” grade tissue. 5. Osama Bin Laden will continue to elude the world with guile and deceit. Sources will point to the cast of Bravo’s “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” as being responsible for the Al-Qaeda leader’s many disguises and reportedly smooth cuticles. 6. The building of the Gelb Science Center will be delayed because of the annual migration of construction workers who flock to the beaches of San Juan Capistrano to nest and mate. 7. American and Iraqi rebel forces will lay down arms and come to peace over their common bond in their mutual hatred for Geraldo and his moustache. 8. After her inexorable split with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez will briefly be engaged to either Gray Davis or Liza Minelli. 9. University of Michigan appeals and wins affirmative action case. College matriculation statistics reach an all-time low as even preppy white males with North Face fleece are deemed not “unique” enough. Native American transsexual is the only way to go. 10. Cluster Dean Birecki and red-headed daughter Jessie will freakily switch bodies, producing hilarious results and Disney magic the whole family can enjoy. 11. Dick Cheney’s Pace Maker Pro will cause another nation-wide power outage. Seeing that it worked so well last time, we’ll blame the Canadians again. Especially the French Canadians. 12. After electing Arnold Schwarzenagger as Governor of California, the state of California will start to resemble such films as T3: Rise of the Machines (Technology), Kindergarten Cop (Education), The 6th Day (Abortion), and End of Days (Economy). 13. Taking the phrase “Free for you and cheap for them” to another level, the PA administration decides upon 1-800-CALL-ATT spokesperson Carrot Top to speak at Commencement. 14. Much like in the early 20th century, Americans in labor unions across the country will unify and protest behind a common goal. They will have little effect, seeing that no one either belongs or cares about people in labor unions anymore. 15. Slicker than your average, I will seduce at least 15 freshmen. Nothing funny here, just a prophecy that must be fulfilled. There you go: My predictions for the 2003-2004 school year. Let’s hope this year will be as good as the ones we’ve had in the past at the fine institution that is Phillips Academy (Except the year when we dumped pig’s blood on that weird girl at the Prom and she went psycho on us.)