The Eighth Page

The Mape 5000: Here to Revolutionize Your Life

At this school, almost everybody is revered for some type of creativity or talent that he or she possesses. Some of us are great writers (although I don’t personally know any), some of us are artists, some of us play instruments, and still others make phallic statues on the Great Lawn. But none of these things grab my interest. There’s one thing that does, though: invention. I have had a reasonably long career in invention, but I’ve never been able to release any of my ideas into the market an, plant the seed of genius that would flock into more and more spin-offs and lots of money for myself. But just the other day, I thought of something that’s going to change the world. Far greater than the light-bulb, the computer, or the microwave, this is an invention that’s not only portable and revolutionary, but stylish and classy too: the mape. Before I get into the mape, I would just like to warn you that there is a patent pending on this invention. It took a lot of work for me to get to where I am today, and I don’t need any of you sleazeballs jacking my ideas. As you read this, a small factory is Arkansas is putting together my invention, and before you know it, it’ll be on shelves all over the world. There isn’t a single store that can’t sell my idea, from a gas station to a high-end designer clothing shop, and I think this is the perfect opportunity for everybody in the country to own the same thing, bringing us closer through the deliciously materialistic vibes. So by now I’m pretty sure that you’re wondering what the mape is. You see, I think it would actually be easier to tell you what the mape ISN’T. Everything you could ever want is held within the small bit of packaging that the mape comes in. From a CD player to a speed-toaster, the mape does everything you could ever want an invention to do, and it looks good doing it. How many pieces of machinery do you own that, when put on your head, would elicit the response, “Oh my, I never really found that person sexually appealing before, but now, with that big piece of crap on her head, all I want to do is jump her bones?” I’ll tell you how many inventions there are like that: none. But that doesn’t change the fact that the mape is one of the best looking pieces of portable electronics on the market today. The most common question asked by people wondering about my invention is, “Why is the mape called the mape in the first place?” Obviously, these people know very little about business in general. When you come up with an invention, the name has to do with the function of the product. A good example of this is a CD player. It’s called a CD player because it plays CD’s. There’s also the Palm-Pilot. It’s called a Palm-Pilot because it lets you fly around in your palm and pick stuff up that you need. Similarly, the mape is called the mape because it allows you to mape. So you see, the name of the product has to do exactly with its purpose. So there you have it. My invention is one of the few things in this world that will let you do whatever you want to do. Because of its extraordinarily low price, everybody on the earth can afford it, and everybody on the earth can find the same great uses for it that I can. Since this ridiculously useful invention is only $25, I don’t know too many people that won’t be able to mape all day long anymore, and for those who can’t afford it, I’m sure it will be seen as so necessary that government aid programs will give the mape to whoever needs it. As for me, I’m just glad that I can help out my friends, family, and everybody else with something as unbelievable as the mape. But don’t thank me when you buy yours; I’ll get all the thanks I need from your giggling face as you put on the mape and try it for the very first time, my little darling.