The Eighth Page

Hamlet Yo

The following are two authentic English 310 submissions written by my good friend and confidant, Matthew Fram ’04. For those of you who are unfamiliar with young Matthew, he also answers to the names “Boogaloo Shrimp” and “Lizzy McGuire.” He is a member of both the Varsity Hockey and JV1 Lacrosse team. Whether he’s blasting music in the Garver Room or “Crip walking,” Matt Fram holds a special place in everyone’s heart. The following is Matt Fram’s infamous, completely unedited “Hamlet Yo” paper. The assignment was to write a piece describing why Hamlet didn’t instantly kill Claudius the King when he had a chance. The Phillipian does not in any way endorse the ideas or thoughts expressed within the following essays: The way I see it, Hamlet is only a creation of Shakespeare; his puppet in other words. I’m sure if Hamlet wanted to kill the King he could just walk up to him and gut him whenever he wanted. The King doesn’t seem to be surrounded by lots of body guards or soldiers. In fact, he seems pretty vulnerable. So why have Hamlet wait? Shakespeare was in the business to make money, not to lose it. The man knows whats goin’ on. By having Hamlet wait until the perfect opportunity to enact his revenge, Shakespeare builds tension and excitement in the play. Nobody would pay to go see a play where Hamlet just killed the King in a boring fashion. ’Nah’ mean? That’s why the story of Hamlet is so badass. It’s all about killing the guy who killed your father. And it’s about death and violence, which are also pretty cool. But the flowery language waters down the entire play. Hamlet shouldn’t listen to the women in this play, because all they do is cause him grief. I think the play would be a lot cooler if Wills made everyone a redneck, and they all talked with redneck accents and chewed tobacco. The language of the play would be a lot better, and it would also attract more of the common folk. Word up. Mr. Fram’s next piece of work is entitled, “A Modest Proposal.” I am shocked at the lack of girls on the PA campus who don’t dress appropriately enough. Too many times have I walked into class to see the hottest girls there wearing sweatpants and looking rather “grubby.” Too many times have the fine young men of this institute been forced to see a woman not dress accordingly. Too many times has my day been completely ruined by this unexplained phenomena. This is where it needs to stop. From now on all of the good-looking young ladies of Phillips Academy should only wear skirts that are at least 4 inches above the knee. The upper body attire should also be appropriate, meaning a nice, classy shirt. In the bizarre case that a girl feels she does absolutely not want to wear a skirt that day, then she shall be allowed one day to wear jeans every two weeks. However, these jeans should be skin tight, so that they are comfortable for the girl. During times of studying in the library, rest, and working out, girls should only wear pants made of velour, since they are extremely well like by a consensus of the males at PA. Also, ugly girls do not need to abide by these rules. To decide who must follow these new policies, every female of Phillips Academy must be a contestant on the new ABC show Are You Hot? These certified and well-trained judges will be able to decide which girls need apply these regulations. If and when the constitution of the school adopts this set of laws, the school will be entering its greatest era. Let us hope that our good friend Matthew will keep producing literary works of this kind. Until next week, I bid you adieu.