The Eighth Page

Man of Mystery

Those people who know me know that I’m a big fan of hypothetical questions. Maybe it’s because I’m stupid and like wasting my time, or maybe it’s because I’m stupid and I like wasting my time, but either way, I’m a huge fan of them. So this week I decided that I’d entertain myself with some good hypotheticals, and answer them myself, since I’m desperately lonely. 1. Would you take $5,000 if one day out of every month you would have to have outrageous back hair? This is a tough one to consider. On one hand, you could get some pretty neat stuff, but on the other hand, the hirsute spinal area would be outrageous. I mean, this stuff would knock people over if you turned around too quickly. You’d have it for the rest of your life, and $5,000 wouldn’t last you that long. But then again, it is only once a month. Hot damn, this is a hard one to figure out, but I’m going to have to go with yes. Definitely yes. 2. The last question brought me to another question. This one’s for guys only: if you met the perfect girl – great-looking, funny, smart, entertaining, awesome in every single way – but she had terrible back-hair, would you still go out with her? This one is pretty tough to figure out, too. I mean, as long as she wore long-sleeved clothing all the time you wouldn’t have to deal with it, but you’d still know it was there. Nevertheless, I’m going to have to go with an affirmative on this one. 3. Would you drink Gatorade out of a urinal? I really don’t think this one is too hard at all. I mean, as we all know, urinals are pretty disgusting things. People pee in them, people spit in them, and people shampoo their hair in them (or maybe that’s just me), all things that I don’t really want in my digestive system. However, Gatorade is pretty delicious, and you are getting the stuff for free. After almost no consideration, I’m going to have to go with yes. Booya baby, free Gatorade. 4. If God and the government gave you permission to rough somebody up that you didn’t like, would you do it? Well I’d have to think long and hard about this one. There are lots of people I don’t like (hey guys, I remember the time with the extra hot salsa and the temporary blindness. Watch your backs.) but beating somebody senseless is wrong, or at least that’s what Momma said. However, God and General Rumsfeld both gave me permission, so I’m definitely going to have to go with yes. Watch your backs, salsa boys. 5. If you got mugged on the street, would you get shot in the stomach if you didn’t have to give up your wallet? Well I think we all know the answer to this one. Although being shot in the gut is brutally painful, I really don’t think it’s that deadly. Compared to the ten bucks I carry in my wallet all the time (and that’s at least ten bucks, for all of you ladies wondering), being shot in the gut really isn’t so bad. I mean, I have medical insurance for a reason. I’d give it three weeks and I’d be back on my feet again. It’s so worth it. Also, I don’t think anybody has an idea of how hard it is to get your CVS Extra Care Card back if you lose it. Those people are vicious. So for anybody still reading this article, the answer is yes, I most definitely would. Now that I’m done with this, I think I’m going to go cry myself to sleep, with only my teddy-bear Jason the Fierce to keep me company. Who knows, I might keep this going in the future and steadily lose one or two more of my readers each week. But as long as I get my silky smooth Features paycheck every month, it’s all good.