It has recently come to my attention that the United States has been waging a war against the Middle Eastern power of Iraq for the past month or so. While listening to Billy Joel’s “Oh, What a Night,” I began to contemplate the President’s motives for such a war. How much would such a campaign cost? What methods would the U.S. use to liberate the Iraqi people? How does the phallic statue and surrounding shrubbery on the Great Lawn symbolize the joining of Abbot and Phillips Academies? And most important of which, what is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more. After wrestling with such troubling questions, my brain began to hurt. I called my mommy for some helpful maternal advice, but instead she told me that I was a failure in life. Can’t argue with that. In an effort to assuage my raging headache, I treated myself with a little mix of what has empirically come to be known as “cocaine.” And while most medical experts disapprove of such substance abuse, I must reassure them that recording artist Whitney Houston has given me her full approval. Aah, feel the burn. As witnessed in the trial of O.J. Simpson, celebrities are obviously better and more knowledgeable than the common man. As I grew groggy and tired, I decided to lighten my spirits by watching the Academy-Award winning musical Chicago. Much to my dismay, Richard Gere went a full two hours without seducing any prostitutes. What a pansy. Therefore, I redirected my thoughts once again towards the War. I began to wonder, “Why stop at Iraq? What’s stopping us from arbitrarily and unjustifiably invading every other country in the world?” As a result, I have compiled a list of countries that the U.S. should assault in order to preserve the American way of life: Canada: Their threatening park rangers and beaver colonies have stirred up quite an amount of tension at the Pentagon. In addition, their so-called “Canadian bacon” bears a strange resemblance to ham. England: These tea-loving pansies stole our language. France: These snail-loving fiends lack basic motor skills. When asked simple mathematical equations, they responded with incomprehensible phrases and grunts. Germany: Learning absolutely nothing from the past two World Wars, we believe that Germany should be given increased military funding, in order for it to reach a state of “uber-happiness.” Hong Kong: Any country that consists of two rhyming words means trouble. Besides, it’s a former British colony. India: Rather than funding a trip to evaluate living standards in India, the government has used the film Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom to get a sense of Indian life and culture. It’s clear that any people that would eat monkey brains and dislike Harrison Ford are in order for a little roughing up. Japan: Godzilla, Pokémon, and Robodome are just the beginning. Who knows what evil children’s animation they’ll conjure up next? North Korea: In addition to their possession of nuclear warheads, their refusal to celebrate holidays such as President’s and Patriot’s Days demonstrates their belligerence. Russia: With names like “Boris” and “Natasha”, everyone wants a piece. Their fuzzy hats aren’t exactly appealing or stylish either. Tibet: Attack those communist-loving monks. They deserve it for denying the American people Brad Pitt’s visage for seven years. Uruguay: Disregarding all factors other than pronunciation, it is clear that Uruguay is a homophobic nation in need of liberation. Venezuela: Fidel Castro is a tyrant who must be removed from office at all costs. It is essential that we liberate the Venezuelan people, seeing that the U.S. clearly knows what it’s doing.
