The Eighth Page

Mad Knowledge

For those of you who don’t know me, it may be hard to tell that I possess a 6.2 cumulative grade point average. That means that I get all sixes, and at least one seven each term, and spend a total of 23 minutes a week away from my homework. But you don’t really have to log in the countless hours that I do to get a good average; all it takes are some simple study skills. I know you laughed the last time you saw The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting a 6.2 Average at Phillips Academy, but I was one of the millions of people who bought that book, and now look at me. For your convenience, I’ve condensed that book into a short article, using only the tips that I found extremely useful. If you read and follow this carefully, I guarantee your average will increase at least a point, and by “guarantee,” I mean “not guarantee,” you filthy, filthy swine. The first of three tips that I want to give you is something that everybody should be happy to hear. Take short, frequent breaks throughout your studying. Although it may seem like slacking off, as long as you keep the breaks short, say, 5 minutes long, then you won’t get off track. I think the perfect mix of work to play is 1 minute of homework to every five minutes of break. This being the case, you can put in a solid 10 minutes of work every hour, with little or no stress. What are some things that you can do while you’re on your break? Good question. You can bust out some computer games, play a round of basketball, or hang out with your robot while he prints out faxes and gives you a massage. The next tip I have is called the good old SNAP-N-STICK method, something I have modified a small bit from the book. All you have to do is take small pictures of the textbook, get them developed, and duct-tape them all over your body. If done correctly, your teacher will easily mistake the duct-tape as a glowing silver tan. In fact, this might even get you some extra points, since, as we all know, an ounce of appearance can be worth a pound of substance. But how do you look up all the information in an organized manner without looking suspicious? First, put the pages in this order on your body: head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. This way you know where to look. To check out the info without looking suspicious, there are two methods. First, bring dandruff shampoo with you, so when you look at your shoulders, nobody will be insensitive enough to ask why. When you want to check out your knees and toes, simply grab your leg and scream, “CRAWDADDY!” For mind-blowing cinematic effect, chew up some antacids and foam at the mouth. The third tip I have is to take notes in class. I know what you’re thinking right now: “Anthony, this is a Features article, how are you gonna make anything funny out of taking notes?” Well, I’m so sorry Mr. Funny Man, I have to write these things for an hour a week. Do you have any idea what type of time commitment that is? But seriously, take notes in class; they can really come in handy later, especially if your teachers are like Jasper Perkins ’04 and Derrick Kuan ’04, who give Features pop quizzes all the time. I’m sorry I don’t know what type of ink The Phillipian’s press uses. Does that really merit such severe beatings, not to mention the emotional scarring of seeing your matching butterfly tattoos? If this guide doesn’t help you, keep it as real as possible until your Bunker Hill CC matriculation.