The Eighth Page

Lethal Weapon

Being someone’s roommate is usually a good way to test a friendship. Simple, daily, seemingly obvious tasks like not placing your shoes directly in the doorway or remembering to close the door before your practice your “special exercises” often ruin a previous viable relationship. Chairs and computers become children in the Kramer v. Kramer of your room. I’ve known Shaun Blugh ’03 for three years, and each year we’ve spent together at Andover has been another year of getting over each other’s flaws. I ignore Shaun’s occasional bedside mess much like he endures my nightly emotional breakdowns. (It’s hard being rich, beautiful and gifted, damnit!) The first sight a visitor is greeted with at Casa de Blugh-McGarvey is usually the multi-colored splendor of my finely made bath linens, strewn upon Shaun’s bed as if a deranged primate had torn through my closet. Thick academic books line Shaun’s shelves. I am illiterate. Needless to say, Shaun and I have a time-tested relationship based on the mutual respect of our differences. Let’s get another aspect of our relationship out in the open: Shaun’s black, I’m white. On a campus with pretty much no interracial roommates, Shaun and I are the exception to the rule. Each day after the PA students have done a super job of being tolerant and all diversity- minded, they can run back to their safe, monotone room. However, the life of me and Shaun is a constant struggle to understand and appreciate the beautiful racial tapestry that together we form. Shaun: “Biggie is way better than Eminem.” Me: “Racist! You’re trying to keep the white (suburban) rapper down! I demand Def Jam affirmative action!” Shaun: “Calm down, dear friend, let’s work through this together.” Me: “Hell, naww, you bigot! I bet now you’re gonna ask me to fetch you some potatoes and then go be a drunk cop with an accent!” This last bit of my racial tirade gave me pause. The only way to test truly the depth and power of our relationship would be to subject ourselves to the ultimate in fraternal acts: we’re gonna be partners in a buddy cop movie! Think about it: A roving gang of bandits is ruining Senior spring by seeking to drench the campus with water. The only way to stop them is to bring together a veteran, no-nonsense cop and a wildly unpredictable, kinda ethnic cop. Our veteran: from the rough streets of Brooklyn, NY, a hard-boiled, experienced Senior spring enforcer, Shaun “Blugh Streak” Blugh. His partner: the jive-talking, hip, street smart cop from Providence, RI, Evan “Dublin Dynamite” McGarvey. It’s Ireland meets Trinidad! It’s Lethal Weapon except with a lot more Polo and New Balance! I call it Basic Lethal Instinct Wild Force Dundee of Endearment. If this were a big Hollywood production, Shaun would be played by Omar Epps or Morris Chestnut or Chris Tucker or Mos Def, and I’d be played by Colin Farrell or Tobey McGuire or Wes Bentley or Jake Gyllenhaal. My love interest would be…duh…Jennifer Garner. Our tough but fair lieutenant (played in real life by our house counselor, Mr. Steve Carr) would be played by the tough but fair Susan Sarandon (sorry, Mr.Carr). Reality would dictate that this movie never be made, but since I really don’t care, I guess I’ll have to make the movie at Andover. Buildings won’t be as glamorous, the stars not so bright, and I think my love interest will probably have to be played by Yusuke Uchiyama ’05, but we’ll make do. Brightly colored neon super soakers take the place of burnished gunmetal handguns (Whoa, looks like I’ve got a gun fetish! Uh oh, can’t say that while still in high school!). As students make there way through the day, Shaun and I stand at the ready. Hand resting anxious at the water gun on his hip, Shaun is primed for anything to go wrong. Ice cream in hand, and Junior girls not far out of mind, I’m about to go play dodgeball. I spew witty quips, Shaun’s gun spews aqua clips. (See, I am the best rapper on campus. Honestly, I’m not joking, bring it on). The trail of clues bring us to sexy new locales (Ooo! the Phillipian Room! Ahh! The sexy Ryley club!), powerful new players (Italian mob boss Craig Ferraro ’03, Korean gang heads Dan Koh’ 03 and Colin Liotta ’03, and homeless guy Duncan Dwyer ’03). Like a fat kid in winter, the plot thickens until we realize that someone within our own precinct (WQS) is setting us up! It’s the girls of Johnson who’ve been behind the constant liquid attacks that have left our campus anything but dry. Super soakers help us seek revenge against those dastardly girls. We can now wear T-shirts and shorts without fear of soaking. Sunset, with all the mystery and grace of a firefly, cloaks Taylor as Shaun and I celebrate our first case. In the aftermath of success comes silence. Void of commotion, the air between us ambles until Shaun and I stare into each other’s eyes and scream simultaneously “Sequel!” and the credits roll as the lead single off the soundtrack, “Taylorz Finest” by Method Man and Redman, plays.