Week after week, I sermonize from my Fourth Estate pulpit, lecturing on what I believe is wrong with society, culture, and our school; providing insight on how we should react to the seemingly arbitrary and irrational powers that be; and attempting to move and inspire my admiring public. Except for the fact that I am frequently congested but never in bed with a minor (condition), I could almost pass for a Catholic priest. So with Passover and Holy Week upon us, and sensing that kindly weather, college visiting, and religious commitments may be distracting my readership from paying attention to the greatest uplifter of all (me), I thought it was about time that I steal some sermonizers’ more successful techniques. To imbue congregants with a sense of religious relevancy, preachers often try to relate Biblical stories to present day situations. I am often frustrated that my heartfelt columns usually effect more administrative retaliation than actual change. Perhaps allegory will serve my purposes better. Within the following magna opera, I have cast the administration in the role they already pretend to assume. FROM: Graham House Staff TO: Eve This is a notification that the members of Graham House, Isham Health Center, and the Dean’s Council have all reached the unanimous decision that you will be placed on Medical Leave of Absence, thus temporarily discharging you from the Garden of Eden. You have had several meetings with the school’s nutritionist about a healthy, nutritious diet. You have been educated about the importance of abiding by the food pyramid, eating the correct portions of dairy, meat, vegetables, complex carbohydrates, etc. Your malnutritional preoccupation with fruit leads us to believe that you have an eating disorder, risk of developing an eating disorder, or behavior that may be considered characteristic of an eating disorder. You are required to take a Medical Leave of Absence until the September of the year after your death. We look forward to welcoming you back! FROM: Deans’ Council TO: Onan This is to notify you that for the sixth consecutive week in a row, you have appeared on the top 10 bandwidth users list. In fact, you have been at the very top of the top 10 bandwidth users list, using approximately 10 gajillionkamillion GB per second per second. Your D.C. will take place one week from today in Tang Theater, where members of the Disciplinary Committee will view your downloads to determine whether they are A) acceptable academic downloads or B) coping mechanisms for dealing with your depressingly barren social life. FROM: Deans’ Council TO: Moses This is to notify you that the Deans’ Council intends to place you before a cluster disciplinary committee on the evening of April 20, 2003. And, hate to tell you, but your chances of sticking it out until graduation look grim. We have acquired evidence of your impulsivity and labile mood from Graham House counselors. We have learned of your inflicting 10 plagues, without having them pre-approved by School Physician Dr. Keller and Director of Student Activities Kevin Driscoll, upon masses of people. Furthermore, the Office of Community and Multicultural Development reports that you have been plaguing only Egyptians, using the discriminatory and emotionally damaging stereotypes that all Egyptians are slave-owners and all Jews are slaves. Your parting of the Red Sea, showing tremendous bad judgment, has belabored the Office of the Physical Plant staff with numerous overtime work hours. The evening of your D.C., a night that will be different from all other nights, will be April 20, 2003. Please bake and bring light refreshments. FROM: Deans’ Council TO: Job This is to notify you that the Deans’ Council, Head of School, and Commons staff, under the rallying cry of a Graham House counselor that you once bumped into on the path to G.W. (without saying sorry), have come to the unanimous decision that you suck at life. Go home.
