I was sitting at my Student Council meeting being the coolest Secretary this joint (the Trustees’ Room) has ever had until I felt some gooey wet stuff fall onto my pants. I lifted my hands from my laptop, pausing the minutes-taking, to look first right and then left. What did I see? The final three presidential candidates drooling with their eyes open, looking at the coolest President this joint has ever had, Sikanyiselwe Ma (click click) bela ’03. It’s a pretty pathetic sight to see these three kids’ eyes just glaze over while they look at Kanyi’s dreadlocks and charming smile. Uppers Sam Levenback , Fan Wang, and Allegra Asplundh-Smith are all really cool people – I’ll straighten that out right now – but when it came to my facing a drenching in the smelly saliva they produced at the thought of writing “President of the School” on their college apps, I couldn’t take them any longer. I got up and looked at all the super-enthusiastic elected representatives who were making so many changes to our school at that time and told them that I, secretary of Student Council, was going to transmogrify into a monkey in front of their eyes and then break the three candidates. “Go ahead… Hey, wait! You’re just the Secretary. You don’t matter. Turn into a monkey somewhere else because we don’t care!” said all the elected representatives in unison. I was enraged by this comment, thoroughly enraged, so I jumped on the long narrow wooden table of the Trustees Room and looked everyone in the eye and said that I would rule the school and that they will all slobber when looking at me as their president. All I had to do now was to get rid of my competition. I then grabbed the three presidential candidates and swung myself over to Samuel Phillips Hall to pretend to inflict bodily harm on them. They were all really scared when I had them suspended over the deadly stone steps. I was imitating my favorite monkey hero, King Kong; all three of them were damsels in distress. I thought this was going too far, way too far, so I went into the lobby of Sam Phil and told them that I was going to break them. I broke all three of them. By then I kind of lost all aspirations of becoming president and showing my fellow Student Council members up, so the Council has decided that whoever resurrects herself/himself/himself from the dead first will become the president for the 2003-2004 school year. At least we don’t have to see random campaign posters of animals, naked baby pictures, and someone posing with his friends anymore. However, one of these cool kids will be our president, and I wish them luck with their resurrections. This may be the last breakage of the term, but the Features section promises that there will be more petty vandalism and random monkey noises next term. Keep your eyes peeled for future acts of semi-violence.
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