The Eighth Page

Iraq: Burqas, Sand, and More!

You know how some mornings you wake up naked in a dumpster in Baltimore? Me neither. Just checking. A better question to ask would be this: do you, the reader, know what it is that makes America great? The answer is obvious: America is a free country. Iraq, on the other hand, is clearly not free. It doesn’t even have a Baltimore! While here in America it is perfectly legal to pass out in a Maryland dumpster after having sipped on “gin and juice” from the heel of Snoop Dogg’s running shoe, the best many an Iraqi citizen can hope for is to go to bed in her burqa after a night of state-supervised fun-unleashing in Baghdad. Consequently, it is obvious that we must use military force to remove Saddam from power. The majority of the world, unfortunately, does not see this present, immediate need to remove Saddam, as well as crude oil, from Iraq, and to liberate the Iraqi people. Now, I don’t mean to denigrate other countries and cultures, but I’m about to anyway. Ever since God Himself founded the United States of America back in the days before the Disco era, we have enjoyed a special status as the only nation that matters. If whiny little countries such as France don’t agree with us, they can shut up and eat some snails, or we’ll bomb them too — or so our foreign policy goes. What’s more, these nations that oppose the war can’t even speak English! In the immortal words of former Texas governor Ma Ferguson, “If English is good enough for our Lord, why isn’t it good enough for them?” Clearly, we must attack Iraq now, before the soon-to-be-ex-nation can take over any more U.S. gas stations and Kwik-E-Marts, and before Saddam can build more weapons of mass destruction, with which he could potentially attack other nations without an international consensus and without any sort of provocation. Despite the facts, there are those, even in America, the birthplace of Jesus, who oppose the war. As a citizen of a free country, I demand the right not to hear from these pinko liberal peaceniks. It is my birthright, as a citizen of a free country, not to be thought-policed, and by thought-policed, I mean disagreed with. The one thing a free country absolutely must not tolerate is meaningful dissent. The left-wing socialists, the Brent Scowcrofts and Norman Schwarzkopfs, who speak out against the war, should remain silent if they know what’s good for their country and its oil and automobile industries. If I have to hear foreign policy, I’d like to hear it only from our elected officials, the people who won with a sweeping mandate from a minority of the thirty-something percent of registered voters who actually voted. Foreign policy is tedious enough as it is. It’s almost as boring as books, the kind that you can’t color and that don’t have pictures, only words. Some people argue that we should not allow our hate for Iraq to consume us. Some peace nuts point out that the Bible declares, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Of course, by neighbor, God did not mean the Iraqi people. They’re hardly the family next door, as Iraq is located halfway around the globe from us. In fact, the only thing Americans hate more than Saddam Hussein is the Osbourne family, which may or may not endorse idolatry. And that reminds me that I have to go watch American Idol.