Disclaimer: This is the official debut of Features Devilish Little Monkey Anthony Reyes ’05. After trying his little innocent monkey hands at Arts and then Commentary, he has ventured into the realm of Features. Welcome, Little Monkey Boy, into a world filled with joy, wonder, and oompa loompas. Hi, my name is Anthony Reyes ’05. I’m a Bangladeshi Lower straight from the ’hood in New York City. Holla. I enjoy games of yahtzee, long walks on the beach, and performing mating rituals. Holla once more. After realizing that my talent far surpassed that necessary to write for the dilettante sections of Arts and Commentary, Features editors Derrick Kuan ’04 and Jasper Perkins ’04 recruited me for Features, where they promised me an Associate Editor’s spot in exchange for white cheddar popcorn and certain favors. While, at first, I thought they wanted to exploit my genius rhetoric, Jasper and Derrick proposed a novel idea that would revolutionize the Features section and the world as we know it. Instead of having me write and edit articles, they will let me vent the extreme rage that I have held in this tan-skinned wonderland of a body for 15 long years. While editing an article by Sarah Chang ’05 and Lizzy Maxwell ’05, the pair’s excessive use of “holla” and “bling-bling” caused me to go HULK on the computer screen that mocked me with such a daunting task. Even after taking baby steps and long, deep breaths, I found the anger inside me fermenting like Commons’s endless supply of lamb stew. With veins pulsing and muscles rippling, I ripped the monitor from the socket and hurled it across the room. I continued my devastation by pummeling the monitor with one of the many hammers used by the Features section. I even allowed Fan Wang ’04 to take scintillating pictures of me during this process. With boyish good-looks and an insurgent attitude, its no wonder I’m such a fan with the ladies…especially Uzbekistani women. After witnessing such a shocking display of rage, Editor-in-Chief Clement Biddle Wood ’04 commented, “Umm… Anthony, we have to use that computer.” In response, I crushed him as well. As he lay dying, his last words were “Tell my children and my Britney Spears Doll Collection that I love them.” But don’t worry, we reincarnated Mr. Biddle with a little dose of love. Nevertheless, I realized that I could fulfill my rage only through the destruction of such property. Once there was a Robert Frost poem that said, “I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.” But then I ripped the book into pieces. Holla. Stay tuned next week when Anthony Reyes ’05 breaks a ruby red electric guitar. Make sure to stay tuned as our Features Devilish Little Monkey will continue breaking stuff, escalating to a grand finale at the end of Winter Term.
