Thus far, my experiences with The Phillipian and the Features section, in particular, have been like a melodramatic soap opera: full of ups and downs, heartbreak, brain tumors, and pregnant inter-family lovers: namely, my Jewish paramour Jenny Wong ’04. Although I’ve had the privilege…or should I say pleasure, of working with the likes of Co-Editors-In-Chief/family friends Paul “Will I ever live up to my brother’s expectations?” Sonne ’03 and Michael “Fiddler on the Roof” Ruderman ’03, I’ve also had the opportunity of working with the editors of quite easily the most respected section of The Phillipian, Features. Through the teachings of Craig “Dumb” Ferraro ’03 and Duncan “Dumber” Dwyer ’03, I now have the tools (mainly a toilet plunger and Sex and the City: Season 2 on both VHS and DVD) to be a great…no, good…Features editor. For those of you who wish to write for Features and one day elevate yourself to my level, call 1-900-HOT-GIRL and ask for “Tania” to set up an appointment. Here’s a rundown of the fundamentals of being a good Features editor. 1.) The first indispensable aspect to being a Features Editor includes breaking stuff. Currently, my resume includes the destruction of: one vacuum cleaner, three wooden chairs, a mop, a wooden cabinet, a plastered wall, a printer cartridge, the roof of WPAA, and the joy and laughter of the Washburn children. Although the incipient CXXVI Editor-In-Chief Clement Biddle Wood ’04 criticizes such childish antics with disdain, I always return the favor by breaking his precious calcium-deposit bones. And although it may seem somewhat immoral to make the custodians of Evans Hall clean the ruins of my antics, I firmly believe that they enjoy such tasks, and depriving them of these pleasures would only lead to more terrorism in America. 2.) Next on the list, it’s always crucial to make sure you never finish your section on time: if not out of pure laziness, then just to sit back and laugh with a Corona in one hand and a welfare check in the other while other people fulfill your responsibilities. In last week’s Phillipian, you may have noticed that there was a Top Ten in place of where the previous Features editor’s articles should’ve been. While at first I thought Dumb and Dumber failed to write their article out of pure lethargy, only now do I realize they were teaching me a valuable life lesson: always get someone else to do your dirty work. 3.) This leads me to my next point. Just as the dynamic duos of Batman and Robin or Savage Garden, a good Features Editor always needs associates to write, edit, bring food, and dance. So far, we have Bangladeshi-native Anthony Reyes ’05, our Features Devilish Little Monkey. Seeing that Anthony has been rejected by both the Arts and Commentary sections, we’ve decided to take him in as one of our own. Learn well, little monkey boy. 4.) Finally, I’d like to finish up with an aspect that is essential to succeed as a Features editor and in life. Namely, it’s always important to remember where you came from (The Bronx!) and discriminate against those different from you. Duncan and Craig illustrated to me how much fun racism really is. While at first referring to me as “Jackie” and forcing me to do their laundry, they eventually allowed me to edit articles and even learn layout. But don’t feel bad for this little malnourished Chinese boy, for being a Features Editor has filled that empty space in my heart that I once thought only MSG could satisfy.
