The Eighth Page

Oh the Insanity!

While most people would call this school a democracy, with everybody getting a say in the way things are run, I’d call it a dictatorship. You see, although everybody gets a say in this school, nobody is ever heard. Now you might think that I’m going to talk about something serious in this article, but I’m not. Instead, I’m going to talk about the biggest loophole of all time. It all started one Saturday night when I was reading Shape magazine. I realized that my abs and buns no longer needed any work. Because I knew I’d never live up to the standards of Shape models, I took out a copy of the good old Blue Book and decided to settle down for a read. Being a man with two censures, one of which was for rolling berries into the street and the other for audibly ridiculing the phallic statue, I know a thing or two about getting screwed by the Man. Most people have read through the list of things that can get you in trouble. These pages are the few things that keep most of the student body in line. I don’t know anybody, however, that has taken a look at pages 67-71 of The Blue Book. Right after the maps of campus that nobody seems to use, there’s a long explanation of the things you can do that won’t get you in trouble if you run away. Some have speculated that this section will encourage bad behavior. Well, LA-DEE-DA. My favorite of these rules was taking maple syrup from the trees of the Sanctuary. It isn’t important that there aren’t any maple trees in the sanctuary. The important thing is that you can get your own high-quality maple syrup without spending a dime. After an interview with Aunt Jemima, I picked up a tip or two on perfecting this art. What most people don’t realize is that, although boiling the syrup down does make it more potent, it means there’s a lot less of it. I already have approximately 15 gallons in my room for sale, and they’re the only things funding my addiction to black-box porno. (For all of you who are wondering, I’m not actually addicted to the late-night antics of the Channel 67 Girls. I get high on Jeeeee-Suuus.) The second of the acceptable offenses is impersonating religious characters. Although this can severely scar the more religious of us, it doesn’t actually physically harm anybody; as we all know, nobody at this school cares about emotional scarring. (Sense the hardcore sarcasm in this sentence. I didn’t go as far as to say that I enjoy a good proctologist exam, but I went further than to say that I do enjoy the Mexican lasagna. It’s purely speculation. I might like it; I might not.) For all of you who were planning to don the costume of your favorite deity and enter a club that worships him/her, you’re in luck. Why, just last week I dressed up as Rael and walked into the Raelian Club. After cloning a baby for me, they ritually slaughtered a goat and offered me cat food (I’m sorry for all of you Raelians out there, but if this has offended you, I’d be glad to settle this like a man. I’ll put good money on the fact that you’re pale, thin, and ugly. [Editor’s Note: Ever wondered what a man digging his own grave sounds like?]). There are plenty of other things that you can learn from this section. Much like in a math textbook, the back is always the most important part. Throughout this entire article, you may have noticed that it lacks coherence. You might think that this is because I have other work to do and pumped this thing out in half an hour, but you’d be wrong. I’m actually trying to make a point about the way we live at this school. Everything that the administration does to try and further our learning efforts has to do with one sad fact: without continuous dining at all hours, the student population is inevitably going to starve. After a strenuous rowing workout, there’s nothing I want more than a cold glass of milk and some bananas. What would we do without bananas? Oh, and a healthy disrespect for the rules is key to having fun atop Academy Hill.