The Eighth Page

Bandwidth Bandit

Now, as I was showering and singing Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got to Do with It?” it crossed my mind that we have some very interesting rules on campus. Now, as a proud and honorable member of the PA community [Editor’s Note: People from Lawrence are not to be trusted], I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be fun to bend some rules? Being the Lawrence Man that I am doesn’t automatically make me totally awful; after all, I am not Darth Vader. I do not desire to break the rules; I just would like to work around them for a little bit. I have a problem, and I will not be afraid to admit to it. My name is Anwell, and I am a downloading junkie. Yes, I know that it is horrible, but I can’t help myself. My problem is almost as bad as the lust Uzoma Iheagwara ’04 has for fried chicken and Kool-Aid. I need downloads every chance I get. I wake up in the morning and download some “explicit” items such as old Barney and Sesame Street episodes. I consider these shows explicit since they are against my Lawrence ways of watching Destinos, El Norte, and Telemundo. After going to first period, I take the 10-minute passing period to return to the enigma that is Abbot campus. I hustle myself to second period, and return for conference. While most students try to get better grades, I try to get faster downloading speed and the best times possible in order to fulfill my needs [Editor’s Note: Looking at the numbers on the download speed won’t make you learn what 2+2 equals]. You see, if I hear about some new song or new television episode, I have to go back to my dorm and download it, no questions asked. And since I am a junkie, but at the same time a connoisseur, I do not worry about the DC system. The reason for this is that all I have to do is offer Mr. Cauz some download material of his choosing, such as various “making cookies” episodes from the Food Network, to avoid punshment. After this little method of persuasion, I quickly found out that I owned the system; it follows my orders (Of course I own the system, I’m from Lawrence we all have been through the court system). By the way, whatever the people on campus need, I got it (but you didn’t hear that from me). Speaking of my own supply of music, I don’t get that weak, soft-core stuff that those wannabe junkies have. I get the real hardcore stuff. While those weaklings try to download the newest Craig David or Uzoma’s favorite song, “What’s Your Flava?” I’m getting some of that 50 Cent (aka “I Rap Slowly Because All My Teeth Have Been Shot Off”) videos and some valuable music like that of Justin Timberlake (aka “I Have Problems With Britney Spears So I’ll Cry Rivers to Those Who Will Listen.”) Yeah, that’s right, not only do I get videos, I also get movies. So if you are scared of the DC system and you can not fully fill your downloading/piracy needs, all you have to do is learn how to play the game. You see, in order to be successful at downloading, you must be like our intelligent President Bush and make believe that you understand what people are saying; then when you “break the rules,” just tell them that you didn’t know what was going on and slip some money into a Dean’s pocket. Don’t worry, people can’t see you on the Internet, so there can be no witnesses, you know what I mean? So I might be a downloading junkie, but I don’t need rehab. I don’t? Oh sorry, I forgot what I was saying. I’m too busy downloading the newest brand out on the Net. Maybe I’ll finish dropping knowledge on you fools some other time, so for now holla and thank your nearest CVS for this consumer message.