Every year a few of my townie friends, some of my local PA boys, and I get together to watch the Super Bowl at my house. At this year’s little shin-dig, I took a log of significant events during the game. 6:14: Celine Dion sings “America” preceding the game’s kickoff inciting groans from the masses. Is anyone more hated than Celine Dion? Really, she has about as much business being at the Super Bowl as Derrick Kuan ’04 does being on a football field. Just the sight of her probably caused a mass heaving of buffalo wings at Super Bowl parties nationwide. Ben Hoerner’s ’04 words conveyed my (and many others’) feelings. “Oh God. What the heck is she doing singing ‘America’ anyway. She’s not even American.” 6:16: The Dixie Chicks sing the National Anthem. B. Hoerner exclaims, “I hate my life.” 6:25: The Bucs get the ball first and QB Brad Johnson completes his first two passes on the drive, one to each team, giving Oakland the ball in good field position. A collective groan ensues from every country but Raider-Nation. 6:33: After Sebastian Janikowski (who was reportedly playing the game with a hangover after partying the night before) strikes first blood, the first Super Bowl commercial airs. Budweiser’s hilarious ad featuring a zebra reviewing a play had had everything you would want in a great Super Bowl commercial that doesn’t include the Coors’ twins. 6:42: The incomparable John Madden unleashes his first “BOOM!” of the night. 7:38: Everyone has seen the Visa commercial featuring twins and NFL stars Tiki and Ronde Barber. Everyone is also sick of it. When we I first saw this spot playing during the Super Bowl, I was so angry I just wanted hit the person that allowed this ad to be replayed over the head with a sledgehammer or something. But those feelings went away soon after I heard that lady say, “Oh, right. One of you is playing in the Super Bowl, and one of you is watching the Super Bowl.” Just a classic spin put on an overplayed ad in the Super Bowl. 8:02: The first half comes to an end with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in possession of a 20-3 lead over the Chokeland Raiders. My friend Jonnie Volinski’s first instinct is to flip over to ABC Family as we all wallow in the glory of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen on the beach in “Holiday in the Sun.” We are so cool. 8:05: We flip back to the regular ABC just in time to catch Coors’ new commercial featuring the only thing those commercials are worth watching for: those twins. 30 seconds of bliss ensue. 8:08: NBC starts its Super Bowl Halftime Weekend Update, one of the funniest shows I’ve ever watched in my life. This is pretty significant coming from a person who thinks Weekend Update has about as much comedic value as “The Adventures of Pluto Nash.” From Gollum stroking a Super Bowl ring to fake NFL ads, the 20-minute special had everything. 8:35-8:50: John Madden’s already horrible commentary reaches laughable levels. Pretty much the only thing Madden is good for anymore is ridicule and churning out nasty video games. When partner play-by-play man Al Michaels has to analyze plays for his partner you know its time for the big man to bid adieu. 9:00: The best commercial of the night bar-none is aired featuring Terry Tate as Reebok’s “Office Linebacker.” The premise of the ad was to improve efficiency in the office by hiring a linebacker to punish office slackers by pummeling them both verbally and physically. I was nearly on the floor and in tears when Terry Tate started yelling “We’re putting coversheets on TPS reports now!” a la “Office Space.” Another classic Super Bowl commercial. At this point the game was pretty much over despite a futile attempt from the Raiders to mount a comeback as the Bucs rolled to a 48-21 thrashing. Congratulations to the Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
