The Eighth Page

Fashionably Loud: Tips from the Mastermind Himself

You can always sense the heterosexual love in the wind-chilled air whenever the Blue and Silver semi-formal dance arrives. For those of you with limited “mad knowledge,” the standard for this ball consists of a gentleman bringing a female chore monkey as his date. But for those of you Casanovas as stylish as I am, stag is the only way to go. [Editor’s Note: Kuan proceeded to contact, and subsequently be rejected, by every girl on campus… and boy]. Much like the South, I stay true to my ideals of bachelorism. And nothing in this world, not the administration, not even the Civil War, could alter my beliefs. Besides, what’s cooler than a bunch of single guys standing and smirking in the middle of the dance floor? Well, for all of you slicker-than-average Craig David wannabes and foxy ladies who do have dates and are looking to make good impressions, here are some fashion tips for tomorrow night. Follow the corresponding instructions depending on the perception you wish to illustrate. Like typical chauvinistic patriarchal society, we’ll start off with the males. Desired Impression: To prove to her that you’re not all books and brains, and that there’s a wildcat hiding under those freckles and spectacles. Haha, Jasper Perkins ’04. Instructions: It’s important to wear something that will help your date distinguish between your fun and academic sides. For those of you rebellious types, try flipping the collar of your Lacoste dress-shirt. Make sure to master this maneuver by practicing it a few times in front of the mirror first. And no, not even the Blue and Silver would be a good time to utilize your TI-96 Graphing calculator. No one likes derivatives, and frankly, no one likes you, either. Desired Impression: To impress your fine lil lady enough to bring her back to your room for some genuine semi-formal lovin’. Instructions: Wear something sexy, yet sophisticated, and make an impact on her with your class and charm. I suggest something from the Regis Philbin Collection. If all else fails, get on the floor and throw a three-year-old style temper tantrum. Kick a lot. If conflict arises the next morning, do what I always do: blame it on racial profiling. Ladies, your choice of evening attire should be a little less complicated. Although displaying your sexy figure is usually accepted in most non-Muslim countries, I feel that I speak for the entire male population on campus when I say that we, as a community, do not tolerate such behavior. The sophisticated gentry at Andover prefer an intelligent woman to that of a blond beauty, except in the case of David Wilkinson ’05, whose locks of hair flow like the wind. Desired Impression: To win the affection of your date by displaying your cosmopolitan knowledge. Instructions: Wear a skimpy school-girl uniform similar to that adorned by Britney Spears. This outfit will ensure that your date remains focused on your mind, rather than your body. Desired Impression: To break out of the conservative girl stereotype, and let your sexy and wild side loose. Instructions: Consult Arsalaan Ahmed ’04 for his provocative line of clothing, “AX: Arsalaan Existence.” Hailing from Britain, this youthful Arabic designer can provide you with anything from feathery red turbans to leather bustiers. Be sure to check out the new “Arsalaan’s Obsession” Collection, available in mid-April. Desired Impression: To maintain a certain level of dignity, yet still show your date that you’re willing to go back to his room for genuine semi-formal lovin’. [Editor’s Note: Kuan, you’ve already used that joke]. Instructions: Try wearing one of those T-shirts with provocative phrases on them. No matter how clueless your date is, any man can pick up the signs given off by a low-cut “World’s Best Grand-daughter” shirt. And finally, a few pointers from the “Pimpmeister,” himself. If you’re pondering over how I received such a sweet nickname/reputation, I’ll tell you: I made it up myself. To aid those of you who possess a weaker fashion sense than I do, the following is the apotheosis of what a Blue and Silver outfit should be. Desired Impression: To find the perfect garment that illustrates your sensitive/sweet side, yet still helps maintain a certain level of masculine dignity. Instructions: Boathouse Varsity Jacket, tie, and baby blue lace thong. Enough said.