The Eighth Page

Wishful Thinking

With the close of a harsh fall term, the baneful winter converged on campus like a hoard of squirrels. Although the new-fallen snow means we won’t be able to see our furry little friends scampering around and scurrying up trees anymore, you can still sleep safe knowing that they will return to us in the spring, rabies and all. To compensate for the harsh conditions of winter term, I always make sure I partake in my share of sex, drugs, and rock & roll during this time period. (And by sex, drugs, and rock & roll, I mean watching Lord of the Rings: Two Towers in the movie theatre on my own). And although I can’t provide you with advice as valuable as that from slicker-than-average Evan “Smooth E-Man” McGarvey ’03, I’ll attempt to inspire you dilettantes with a list of my thirty-five personal New Year’s Resolutions. Hopefully these homilies will become close to your heart and help guide you through the winter term. 1.Make a waffle completely out of margarine during brunch. 2. Tame my seemingly incorrigible chest and back hair. 3. Sneak into the PACC without scanning my ID. 4. Start an underground gambling network for American Idol 2. 5. Learn to write in sentences, like a big boy. 6. Learn Hebrew so I can speak to all my Jewish homies. 7. Talk like Nelly for an entire class period. 8. Call freshman girls, giggle, and subsequently hang up. 9. Break a leg in hope of gaining Aaron Bardo’s ’04 and Cotton Harrold’s ’04 undying respect. 10. Lose 140 million dollars in the stock market. 11. Join one of Andover’s male secret societies, like the Anime Club or the Math Club. 12. Stop tolerating other people’s religions and races. 13. Recreate scenes from the Lord of the Rings Trilogy with gummy bears. 14. Marry and make a hybrid baby with Sarah Chang ’05. 15. Get beaten up by Ben Chang ’02. 16. Resolve my differences and make amends with my future brother-in-law. 17. Stop checking people’s schedules on-line. 18. Stop stalking people after checking their schedules on-line. 19. Talk to more girls. 20. Talk to even more guys. 21. Lose myself in the music, the moment. 22. Run for school president, lose, and grow a consolation beard like Al Gore. 23. Shower. 24. Rest the liver. 25. Stop pretending to have friends and/or lovers by including random initials in my AIM profile. 26. Watch the classic 80’s love film When Siegfried met Roy. 27. Film a weekly documentary on the eccentric life of Clem Wood ’04. This week’s topic: Controlling the animal within me. 28. Help suppress Uzoma Iheagwara’s ’04 lust for fried chicken. 29. Become the Republican House leader without being racist. 30. Get mad knowledge. 31. Stop being so dazzled by the ladies of the WB’s Charmed. 32. Holla. 33. Cruise in the snow-plow. 34. Use the interlocking chairs in Tang to build a ladder to the moon. And the most important of them all: 35. Tape every episode of Joe Millionaire.