The Eighth Page


As the straggling light of winter slips into the new year, we’re assured of a few things: the Chick-fil-a bowl, the hideous visage of Dick Clark, overrated parties and New Year’s resolutions. According to some government census, most Americans claim they will lose weight, or stop smoking. Admittedly, most of these resolutions are ditched about as fast as a 98 degrees Christmas album. However, this year I think I’ve made a promise to myself I can actually keep: I’m going to be a superhero. In the bowl-cut, patterned pajamas and eventually brace-faced days of my youth, my biggest dilemma was figuring out which superhero I most identified with. On any given day, I could be sullen and creepy like Batman or wear exclusively green clothing like Green Lantern. Once the punches of bullies somewhat dampened my affinity for publicly reading comics, I had to take my passion underground. Therefore, like the fat kid in “Full Metal Jacket” (sweet movie) stashing doughnuts, I kept my X-Men and Daredevil issues safely kept in the bottom drawer of my desk.(Only I didn’t get beat with soap) After braces came off, a respectable hair cut was found, and a lisp was cured, I promptly ditched the books like a lame friend in middle school. (Oh, come on, you all ditched people you didn’t think were cool in 7th grade) It was only this winter break, as a overwhelmingly introspective young man that I exhumed the gamma ray-filled pages of my past. I logged onto and asked one of my friends in IR “whut da deal?” then anointed myself an expert on the world. Here’s what I know: Iraq is complicated, North Korea is complicated, pretty much everywhere in the world removed from my dorm room is complicated (Heck, even the conflict between my Nalgene bottle and I is touchy). The world needs a hero. Since Superman is whacked, Batman is old and the X-Men are hated and feared by those they are sworn to protect, I must take the mantle of power and save everyone. Dr. Doom controls Iraq and Magneto owns North Korea. Now that Senior fall is over I can fight the forces of evil in every corner of the world and make it safe for puppies, the elderly and whiny, spoiled kids who say America is a “fascist police state” when arrested for drunk driving. I haven’t exactly come up with a proper name, origin or special abilities but hopefully being a former snow czar and DC rep gets me somewhere. Maybe Andover is not just a boarding school, but a secret superhero academy where we are all being subconsciously trained to harness our powers. Silly me, we are all special students who learn the power of knowledge! Maybe I’m the only one of the first to find their true calling, and soon a great justice league will form. I just hope spandex uniforms are issued sparingly. Until we are all super-powered, I’ll be patrolling the campus of Phillips Academy fighting for good (and possibly my own interests).